gypsy noir

Taking an extended sabbatical..

2008-08-14T10:00:00.005Z

NAKED-LUNCH

ENLARGE..

2008-07-28T23:55:00.003Z

COSMIC...

YOU JUST HAVE TO LOVE CHARLEY.....

2008-06-25T20:08:00.004Z

WE WANT A CHARLEY!

BADGER, MUSHROOM, COSMIC, SNAKE..

2008-05-27T22:16:00.002Z

A superb video by Chantelle..A montage of images to an all time classic tune..

All together now...Badger, badger , badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger etc...

Hmmm..well...

2008-05-22T00:31:00.003Z

I recently submitted a poem I wrote to a poetry association, I won't say the name. They let you know after a couple of weeks whether it's been accepted or not. I got and email saying it had been accepted and they wish to publish my poem in the next volume, to quote;

{As I also mentioned in my letter, and in celebration of the unique talent that you have displayed, we wish to publish your poem in what promises to be one of the most highly sought-after collections of poetry we have ever published. Immortal Verses* will be a classic, coffee-table quality hardbound volume printed on fine-milled paper specifically selected to last for generations. And best of all, this magnificent volume will showcase the poetry of Gypsy Noir on an entire page itself!}

Then I got an email saying my poem has been awarded our prestigious Editor's Choice Award because it displays an original perspective and unique creativity -- judged to be the qualities found most in exceptional poetry. Congratulations on your achievement!
Not only that but this-Every so often, as our Editors review the poems that have been presented our Editor's Choice Award, they personally select a few poems that they believe would have a wonderfully expressive quality if read by a professional reader. Your Editor has suggested that you become one of 33 poets whose artistry will be recorded professionally as a special part of a new CD poetry collection -- The Sound of Poetry.

Oh and I've been nominated as poet of the year!, to attened a convention in Las Vagas to read out my poem to the single largest gathering of poets in history from 50 nations, where I will be awarded with my very own international outstanding achievment in poetry crystal award, plus some antique bronze commemorative medallion, by none other than some would be celeb Tony Danza??...The over all winner gets $20,000,00

Now before anyone gets excited, can I just say that I think this whole thing is a con...To get you to buy the over priced book, to get you to buy the over priced CD, to get you to pay lots of dollars to go to the convention..I don't for one minute think my poem was 'that' good, infact I feel crippled with embarrassment at the thought of even thinking it was, that's why I haven't showed it to anyone I know..
I just had to get this rant off my chest..

YE OLD TRASHINGTON

2008-05-08T20:28:00.009Z

The Miners Theatre later became The Regal cinema, we had 5 cinema's at one point, and I was probably thrown out of everyone for being a nuisance with my gay friend Albert,but alas they're all gone now

The Back streets of Ashington, where I was born.

The main street, Station road, Ashington is said to be the largest village in England with the most pubs :0)

Ye very old Ashington Co-op.

The railway station, all gone now, I loved sitting in there as a kid in the winter because it had a big coal fire.

Ah, The Grand Hotel. A den of iniquity for sure, I used to see my Grandad Jackie Hibbert hang out there alot-hmm.

Cats that look like Hitler..

2008-04-25T15:07:00.005Z

THIS HAS GOT TO BE THE BEST SITE ON DAS NET...

KITLERS!..HAH!..

http://www.catsthatlooklikehitler.com/cgi-bin/seigmiaow.pl

WATCH THIS SPACE, ALFIE MAY BE APPEARING ON THERE SOON...

TESTING!-TESTING!

2008-04-17T22:49:00.002Z

A VIDEO OF OUR CATS WITH OUR NEW VIDEO CAMERA....

FLIPPING CATS!

PIRATE VIDEO..

2008-02-18T22:15:00.002Z

BEWARE INTERNET PIRATE!..

I'VE GONE ON HOLIDAY BY MISTAKE!..

2008-01-09T00:33:00.002Z

CURRENTLY GIT SURFING AT TESCO CAR PARK!..

GUILTY OR NOT GUILTY?..

2008-01-02T12:01:00.000Z

AS YOU CAN SEE, NIPPA, OUR VERY SMALL DOG WITH ATTITUDE, FRESH FROM HIS WEEKLY VISIT TO THE LOCAL FOLK CLUB,
'THE ROTTEN BREAM' A VERY SELECT FOLK CLUB WHERE FISHERMEN AND IRISH DOG HANDLERS FREQUENT..THEY ALL JIG IN WELLIES TO DULCET TONES REGALING TALES OF FISH HOOKS AND DOGS BOLLOCKS..
THING IS HE ALWAYS COMES BACK REEKING OF IODINE, SWEARS BLIND (well he is blind) THAT HE NEVER TOUCHES THE STUFF, EVEN THOUGH IT'S SAID TO BE THE DOPE OF THE INTELLECTS THAT HANG OUT AT THE POETRY CORNER, HELED IN THE NEARBY BROOM CUPBOARD...IN A CORNER.

THEY COME UP WITH SUCH GEMS AS.."WHAT IS A SHADOW WITHOUT A PAST"?..BRILLIANT!!..

ANYHOO, LOOK AT THE PICTURE, BEHIND THE CUTE EXTERIOR HE LOOKS AS GUILTY AS SIN TO ME!..

JARVIS IS BACK!!!...

2007-12-19T11:58:00.000Z

JARVIS AT CHRIMBO!..

HAVE A COOL YULE...ps our new chrimbo tree and Alfie, can you spot the difference?...

LOVE, LIGHT, AND THINGS TO YOU ALL...
FROM WITHNEIL & I..XXXX..

MR DEAD BOTTLED!..

2007-12-05T18:34:00.000Z

OK Margie kicked my bottom to do another post!! (ouch!)

Following on from Stevie's post post about e-bay reminded me of something strange I uncovered boxing day three years ago (yes alright I spent boxing day looking for strange things on E-bay).. WHAT?

Chantelle will remember this one..So here it is..are you sitting comfy?..
Story of The Ghost in a Bottle..

MR DEAD BOTTTLED

I HAVE JUST RETURNED FROM MY HOLIDAY IN MALTA, WITH LITTLE MORE THAN I COULD EVER HAVE IMAGINED.

I WAS SITTING ON THE BALCONY ON THE LAST DAY , ENJOYING A GLASS OF MADLIEN LIQUEUR, A LOVELY MALTESE DRINK, FROM THE BOTTLE THAT I HAD PURCHASED THAT DAY, WHEN A MAN WALKED THROUGH THE WALL, SAT DOWN ON THE CHAIR OPPOSITE ME, AND SAID HELLO.

I SAID HELLO AND ASKED WHY HE HAD SAT DOWN. (A LITTLE BIT STARTLED, AS YOU CAN IMAGINE!)

HE SAID THAT HE WAS A SPIRIT, WHO, WHEN HE WAS ALIVE, HAD NEVER MET HIS SOUL MATE, AND NOW HE ROAMS THE EARTH IN SEARCH OF ONE WHO WILL LOVE HIM, AND FEELS THAT THEY ARE MEANT TO BE.

"I HAVE WALKED FOR SO LONG," HE EXPLAINED, TELLING ME THAT EVERY TIME HE THOUGHT HE MET THE 'ONE', THEY JUST LOOKED RIGHT THROUGH HIM, AND WALKED ON BY...HE WAS WEARY AND LOW.

I TOLD HIM WE SHOULD DRINK THE REST OF THE BOTTLE, AND BY THE TIME WE HAD FINISHED IT, I WOULD HAVE THE ANSWER FOR HIM. I REACHED FOR ANOTHER GLASS, AND AS I POURED, HE TOLD ME TALES OF HIS LIFE, AND OF HIS TRAVELS....

AS OUR GLASSES LANDED ON THE TABLE , EMPTY LIKE THE BOTTLE I TOLD HIM THAT HE SHOULD JUMP IN THE BOTTLE AND TRAVEL BACK WITH ME, AND I WOULD FIND HIM A HOME TO LIVE IN. SOMEWHERE HE COULD LIVE AS SPIRIT AND FIND A WOMAN, ONE WHO WILL LOVE HIM.

HE AGREED.

HE NEVER GAVE ME HIS NAME, AND I NEVER ASKED, BUT I CALLED HIM MR. DEAD, AND HE SEEMS TO LIKE IT. HE SAYS IT REMINDS HIM THAT HE NEVER HAS TO WORK, OR EXERCISE EVER AGAIN, AND HE CAN WATCH AS MUCH TV AS HE LIKES, AND SINCE HE DOESN'T EAT, HE MAKES THE PERFECT PARTNER.

And there you have it, a touching tale indeed, needless to say I was tempted to buy it..Then I thought Naaaaah!..

DANGER ! HIGH VOLTAGE..

2007-11-12T18:28:00.000Z

I LOVE THIS VIDEO FROM A WAY BACK...FIRE IN THE DISCO!!...

WORDS OF WINSTON

2007-11-06T20:21:00.000Z

THE 11th HOUR OF THE 11th DAY OF THE 11th MONTH...

SONG FOR ALFIE..

2007-10-23T11:12:00.001Z

WOOHOO!, JUST MADE MY FIRST MOVIE..IT'S NOT GREAT BUT IT'S SOOO LOVELY!..OK I WON'T BE GETTING ANY CALLS FROM ANY FAMOUS DIRECTORS..YET!..

SURVEY ABOUT DEATH AND BEING A GHOST

2007-10-15T15:58:00.000Z

1. How old do you think you'll be when you die?
Too old to care..

2. How will you die?
Running for a number nine bus..

3. What will your last words be?
Damn that bus was early today..

4. What will your epitaphe read?
I'm not here..

5. Any parts of your body you wouldn't donate?
All, there won't be anything left worth having..

6. What song will be played at your funeral?
Happy days are here again..

7. Cremated, buried or "other"?
I want to be dust in the wind..

8. If you could take one thing with you to the "next life", what would it be?
Mobil phone..Spectre texting hehe..

9. If you could take one person with you, whether they like it or not, who would it be?
Neil, but shhh! he don't know yet..

10. Supposing they existed, do you think you'd end up in heaven or hell?
I'd like to dally between the two till I decide..

11. If you could haunt any one place, where would it be?
An old castle as long as I got paid..

12. If you could haunt any one person, who would it be?
Oh, I already do that..

13. What type of ghost would you be?
See through..

14. You've been given the chance to send one message back to the land of the living. What does it say?
Don't believe the hype, it's over-rated!..
Everyone on my list has been ghost tagged..well get to it then!..

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

2007-10-11T18:08:00.000Z

IN THE WORDS OF SIR CLIFF

2007-10-05T09:09:00.000Z

CONGRATULATIONS!..

CHANTAL AND DARREN CELEBRATE THEIR FIRST WEDDING ANNIVERSARY THIS WEEKEND, THEY ARE GOING BACK TO LONGHIRST HALL WHERE THEY HAD THEIR HONEYMOON.

APPARENTLY THE FIRST ANNIVERSARY IS PAPER.

SO HERES A PICTURE OF THEM AS THEY RECEIVED THEIR GIFT ...

AS YOU CAN SEE THEY ARE OVER JOYED!..SOME LOVELY PINK FLORAL TOILET PAPER...WHAT??..

HAPPY ANNIVERASRY TO YOU BOTH AND MANY MORE...XX..

MARS CALLING EARTH!..

2007-10-03T10:54:00.000Z

NOW YOU CAN DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!!..

IT'S JUST A JUMP TO THE LEFT..

AND JUST A...OK YOU KNOW THE REST...HEHE!.

WELL, YOU KNOW, ANYTHING TO GET RID OF THAT CATS ARSE!..

OH ROCKY!!

THE CATS ARSE!..

2007-09-18T08:23:00.000Z

SPOT THE BALL?!?...
WELL, NEIL CAME UP WITH THE PERFECT NAME..WE HAVE DECIDED TO CALL HIM 'ROMMEL'..OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE DESSERT FOX!..
AND NEIL ALSO POINTED OUT THAT HITLER ONLY HAD ONE BALL...SEE IT ALL CONNECTS PERFECTLY..

8 REALLY-REALLY-REALLY TRUE FACTS..REALLY..DID I SAY REALLY?..

2007-09-09T22:32:00.000Z

OK YOU KNOW THE RULES AND I CAN'T REMEMBER THEM SO HERE GOES...

FACTOR 1-WHEN I WAS 3 YEARS OLD I HAD WOODEN LEGS AND REAL FEET, I GOT INFECTED WITH DUTCH ELM DISEASE AND HAD THE WOODEN LEGS REPLACE WITH REAL ONES..

FACTOR 2-I WAS ONCE ABDUCTED BY ALIENS, THE FERRIONS...

FACTOR 3-I'VE TRAVELLED BACK IN TIME AND BLOGGED FROM A 'YE OLDE WEB INN'..

FACTOR 4-MY LATEST KITTY VIXEN IS NO LONGER A SHE, JUST FOUND OUT THAT ALFIE TOOK HER TO A RUSSIAN SURGEON FOR A SEX CHANGE, IT WAS CHEAP AND NASTY THEY ONLY GAVE HER/HIM ONE BOLLOCK..ANNE MARIE WROTE A BRILLIANT DITTY ON THIS SUBJECT ON THE PREVIOUS POST..

FACTOR 5-LOU REED MET ME ONCE..

FACTOR 6-I ONCE TOLD A TEDDY BEAR TO GET STUFFED AND IT DID!..

FACTOR 7-I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE SAY "YOU REALLY GET UP MY NOSE"..AS TECHNICALLY THATS IMPOSSIBLE UNLESS YOU HAVE AN EXTREMELY LARGE NOSE...

FACTOR 8-IV'E BEEN TO ME BUT I'VE NOT BEEN TO PARADISE..BUT FROM WHAT I'VE HEARD IT'S MUCH TO HOT THERE AND THE BEER IS REALLY EXPENSIVE..

FACTOR 9-I HAVEN'T GOT ONE BUT WANTED TO PRETEND I DID TO INVENT FACT NINE EVEN THOUGH IT WASN'T IN THE RULES BUT SEEING AS THERES NO MORE PEOPLE TO TAG FACT NINE CAN BE THAT FACT..

FANTASTIC FILM AND SONG..

2007-09-07T22:06:00.000Z

SORRY BEEN DOWN WITH VIRUS LAST FEW DAYS, BLOODY THING RIPPED RIGHT THROUGH ME!..BUT AM RIGHT AS DODGERS FOR THIS AFTER..CATCH UP AFTER WEEKEND PLENTY TIME TO INVENT SOME INTERESTING FACTS FOR THE TAG THINGY-MA-JIG...XXX...

ALFIE AS A BABY...

2007-08-31T17:10:00.000Z

HE WAS SO SWEET AND INNOCENT!..
BUT WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED!?!..
THIS IS ALFIE READY FOR THE PRIVATE MEMBERS GAY BAR HE FREQUENTS OF AN EVENING....

BROTHERLY LOVE!..

2007-08-23T21:41:00.000Z

AS YOU CAN SEE BY MY FACE I DID NOT REALIZE MY OLDEST BROTHER GEORGE WAS ABOUT TO SMASH MY HEAD IN WITH A TENT MALLET..HEHEHE!..
WE USED TO BE AT WAR WITH EACH OTHER GROWING UP...BUT THEN HE WENT TO LONDON FOR A WEEKEND WHEN HE WAS 17 AND BROUGHT ME THIS LOVELY FLOWER PATCH BACK AS A GIFT I COULD SEW ON MY JEANS...FROM THAT DAY WE NEVER FOUGHT AGAIN!..BLESS HIM..

WHOO HOO!!!

2007-08-09T12:51:00.000Z

YEY!, I HAVE NEILS SCANNER HERE, HE SHOWED ME HOW TO USE IT AND THIS IS MY FIRST ATTEMPT..
SO HERE IS A PICTURE OF MY FIRST SCHOOL...OLD SCHOOL YARD..
NOW THEN THE TEACHER IN THIS PICTURE 'MISS JEFFRIES' WAS A RIGHT BITCH!..
ONE COLD WINTERS DAY WE WERE ALL LINED UP IN THE YARD AWAITING THE HOME TIME BELL..
MISS JEFFRIES WAS BENDING DOWN TO HELP FASTEN ONE OF HER PET PUPILS COATS, ME AND MY GAY FRIEND ALBERT MISCHIEVOUSLY DECIDED IT WAS A GOOD OPPORTUNITY TO PINCH HER BOTTOM, SHE SWIFTY TURNED ROUND TO CATCH ME IN THE ACT AND PROMPTLY SLAPPED THE BACK OF MY ALREADY BLUE WITH THE COLD LEGS!..HMMPHH!!!

ANYHOO CAN YOU TELL..
WHICH ONES ME?..
WHICH ONES MY TWIN BROTHER?..
AND WHICH ONES ALBERT (remeber he was obviously gay even then)..

NEW KITTY!!!!

2007-08-01T19:54:00.000Z

SAY HELLO TO VIXEN..

ALFIE AFTER HIS SUMMER SCALP..NOT AMUSED!..

EVERYONE'S BLOGGED OFF FOR THE SUMMER..

2007-07-19T21:43:00.001Z

SUMMER!?...WHAT BLOODY SUMMER!?!...

THIS SEASONS MUST HAVE SHOEZEEZ!..

PETS ON CLEANING DETAIL...

2007-07-12T19:58:00.001Z

ALFIE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING THE CLOTHES..NOT HIMSELF..

BABY FLAT OUT ON THE KITCHEN SINK AFTER WASHING THE DISHES...BLESS...

VENUS IS A LAZY SLAPPER AND REFUSES TO GET HER PAWS DIRTY...

BYNXX HAS JUST FINISHED CLEANING THE BATH WITH HIS TONGUE..

AND HERE WE HAVE THE SMALLEST DOG KNOWN TO MAN..14 YEAR OLD NIPPA, HE JUST WANTS TO MAKE TEA, BUT THE KETTLES BIGGER THAN HIM!...

RE-STEVIES TAG ..FANTASY DAY..

2007-07-03T10:57:00.000Z

THIS WOULD BE THE VIEW...

I'D WAKE UP NICE AND EARLY, ABOUT 11.30.AM, NEXT TO YOU KNOW WHO....
IN A FOUR POSTER BED SITUATED IN A BIG OLD MANSION IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LAKE DISTRICT.
BREAKFAST IN BED..STRAWBERRYS AND GRAPES DIPPED IN SUGAR WITH CHAMPAGNE..

DRESSED IN VICTORIAN CLOBBER, AND CHAUFFEUR DRIVEN, I'D GO TO AN OLD THEATRE AND SIT IN A PRIVATE BOX WATCHING EDITH PIAF..SHE WOULD SING ME TO TEARS..

THEN!..GO TO A POSH TEA ROOM AND DEMAND WINE AND CAKE WITH 'WITHNAIL' AND HIS MATE 'I'..WE WOULD GET SLUNG OUT FOR BEING DRUNKEN BUMS..(like in the film)..

THEN!..BACK TO THE MANSION FOR THE BIGGEST PARTY WITH ALL OUR BLOGGER FRIENDS THERE ASWELL..COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF BOOZE, ASHTRAYS, FOOD AND MUSIC....

THEN!..IN THE WEE SMALL HOURS I'D HOLD A SEANCÉ WITH THE LATE DORIS STOKES AND THE NOT SO LATE SHIRLEY GHOSTMAN AS THE SPIRITUAL ENFORCERS..WE'D ALL BE ABLE TO RAISE FROM THE DEAD JUST ONE FAMOUS PERSON AND ASK THEM A QUESTION..

MINE WOULD BE ADOLF HITLER AND I'D ASK "WHY THE MOUSTACHE"?...

WHO WOULD YOURS BE AND WHAT WOULD YOU ASK?..

ANYWAY THATS IT FOR ONE DAY...NEXT DAY'S EVEN MORE INTERESTING...

GYPSYS AND APPLEBY FAIR...

2007-06-27T14:59:00.000Z

Gypsies gained their name from the commonly held belief that with their dark complexions and colourful clothing, they were Egyptians. It is now believed that their unique language, Romany, derives from Sanskrit which actually suggests Indian descent.

The black and white pics are of appleby fair many moons ago..the coloured ones were taken by my friend last year at appleby fair...They don't normally like their photo's taken unless your face is known..

APPLEBY HORSE FAIR is one of the largest horse fairs and Gypsy gatherings in Europe and takes place in early June, in the town of Appleby-in-Westmorland, Cumbria.It is held in a field now commonly known as Fair Hill, about one mile north of the town centre.
The field was originally known as Gallows Hill, so called as this was where public hangings once took place. The fair is now called the New Fair to differentiate it from other fairs formerly held in the town centre.
The fair moved to its present site in about 1750. One reason may have been to avoid congestion in the town and thus reduce the likelihood of spreading cattle disease following a severe epidemic in the mid-eighteenth century. The dates of the fair are determined by the second Wednesday in June which used to be the main horse dealing day, but is now the last day. Travellers are first allowed onto Fair Hill at noon on the previous Thursday and prior to this can be seen encamped in the surrounding area. Caravans range from large shining modern ones towed by cars, to the colourful horse drawn vardos.
There can be up to 900 caravans parked on the hill, about 50 of which
are horse-drawn and not required to pay a fee. Wednesday is usually something of a winding-down day, as travellers must be clear of Fair Hill by noon on Thursday.

SHIRLEY GHOSTMAN..

2007-06-20T23:20:00.000Z

AHA HA!...THIS IS FROM A SERIES A FEW YEARS BACK...HE IS A PISS TAKE MEDIUM..
BUT WHAT YOU HAVE TO KNOW IS THAT THE AUDIENCE THINK HE IS REAL!..
IT WAS HILARIOUS...CHECK HIM OUT!...

WHERE IM CURRENTLY SITUATED...

2007-06-18T14:03:00.000Z

HEH!!...there will be no round numbers here

A SMALL INTERLUDE..

2007-06-09T21:55:00.000Z

ANGIE BY BERT JANSCH..

SMALL FRUIT SONG BY AL STEWART..

THE FASCIST REGIME...

2007-06-04T18:01:00.000Z

ON JULY THE WHATEVER CIGARETTE SMOKING WILL BE BANNED IN ALL PUBLIC PLACES INCLUDING PUBS/BARS ETC..
NANNY STATE GONE MENTAL!..WE'RE BEING BABYSAT BY BUREAUCRATIC TWO FACED BASTARDS!...
WHAT NEXT-NO EATING IN RESTAURANTS?..
NO DEAD PEOPLE IN THE GRAVE YARDS?..
NO DRINKING IN PUBS?..

THESE ARE MY NEW SIDELINE.. AND SPARE A THOUGHT FOR THE POOR ASHTRAY WHICH WILL SOON BE OBSOLETE..
THEY WILL PROBABLY END UP ON E-BAY..OR WORSE IN SOME YUPPIE RETRO JUNK SHOP...

MIRANDA HART'S JOKE SHOP..

2007-05-26T13:49:00.000Z

OK, IF YOU HAVE A SPARE HALF HOUR, MAKE A CUPPA, PUT YOUR FEET UP AND LISTEN TO THIS..IT HILARIOUS!!...

BBC RADIO2 COMEDY ON SAT ..WHAT I LISTEN TO WHEN IM SCOFFING MY ASPARAGUS AND JAM SANDWICHES OF A LUNCH TIME..

IT'S BRAND NEW HOT OFF THE PRESS COMEDY...

YOU MIGHT HAVE TO DOWNLOAD A FREE REALPLAYER (IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY GOT ONE) TO LISTEN, BUT IT ONLY TAKES 5 MINS..

http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio2/comedy/

THE ART OF BISCUIT DUNKING...BY G-NOIR

2007-05-22T09:11:00.000Z

NINE STEP GUIDE TO BISCUIT DUNKING

1-MAKE SURE THE BISCUIT IS CRISPY TO FACILITATE THE CORRECT SOGGYNESS..

2-TEA MUST BE NUCLEAR HOT!..

3-CUSTARD CREAMS ARE A NO NO, THE OUTER WALL AT ONE SIDE ALWAYS FALLS OFF..

4-HAVE A TEASPOON ON STAND-BY..

5-HAVE A VALIUM ON STAND-BY..

6-CHOCOLATE DIGESTIVES ARE PERFECT BUT BE WARNED DO NOT ANSWER THE DOOR WHEN INDULGING AS YOU MAY LOOK LIKE A CHEAP CLOWN..

7-ANYONE WHO SUCKS TEA THROUGH A TWIX SHOULD BE EXILED TO VLADIVOSTOK..IT'S NOT BIG AND IT'S NOT CLEVER!..

8-DO NOT TALK ON THE PHONE WHILST DUNKING IS IN OPERATION..

9-IT TAKES YEARS OF PRACTISE, A LOT OF TEARS, TANTRUMS AND BABY WIPES...BUT IT'S WORTH IT IN THE END..

...OH SHIT!..IT'S GAWN IN ME TEA..AGAIN!!!...

THE PREFAB FOUR!...

2007-05-04T13:19:00.000Z

The Rutles Story

On January 21, 1959 the Rutles story began at 43 Egg Lane, Liverpool, where Ron Nasty and Dirk McQuickly first bumped into each other. Ron invited Dirk to help him stand up. Dirk, merely an ameteur drinker, agreed and on that spot a legend was created, a legend that will last a lunchtime. They were soon to be joined by Stig O'Hara, a guitarist of no fixed hairstyle, but it would be another two years before they found their regular drummer, Barrington Womble, hiding in the van. When they did, they persuaded him to change his name to save time and his haircut to save Brylcreem. He became simply Barry Wom.
They gained their first manager, Arthur Scouse, as part of a bet (which they lost). So impressed was he with their music that he sent them immediately to Hamburg. Thinking that Hamburg was just outside Liverpool they accepted. It turned out to be not only in Germany, but in the very worst part of Germany. The Reeperbahn Hamburg is one of the naughtiest streets in the world. This is where they ended up, far from home, and far from talented.

In those days there was a fifth Rutle, Leppo, who mainly stood at the back. He couldn't play the guitar, but he knew how to have a good time, and in Hamburg that was more difficult. For five hungry working class lads there are worse places than prison, and The Rat Keller Hamburg is one. For fifteen months, night after night, they played the Rat Keller before they finally escaped and returned to Liverpool. In the rush they lost Leppo. He had crawled into a trunk with a small German Fraulien and was never seen again. (This inspired Nasty to write the song "Goose-Step Mama".) His influence on the Rutles was so immeasurable that no one has ever bothered to measure it.
The Rutles returned hungry to Liverpool full of experience and pills. They persuaded the manager of the Cavern to let them play there by holding his head under water until he agreed. Very soon their music began to create no small interest. In fact, no interest at all.

In October 1961 Leggy Mountbatten, a retail chemist from Bolton, entered their lives. Leggy had lost a leg in the closing overs of World War Two and had been hopping around Liverpool ever since. One day he accidentally stumbled down the steps of a dingy disco, what he saw there was to change his life: a sailor who told him about the Rutles. It was a dank, sweaty, basement cellar, torrid and pulsating with sound. Leggy hated it. He hated their music, he hated their hair, he hated their noise: but he loved their trousers. In his autobiography, A Cellarful Of Goys, Leggy tells of timorously approaching Ron Nasty and asking him what it would cost to sign the Rutles. "A couple of jam butties and a beer" was Nasty's reply. Next day Leggy sent them a crate of beer, two jam butties and a fifteen page contract. The Rutles, instinctively trusting this softly spoken, quietly limping man, signed immediately.

Leggy's effect on the Rutles was immediately apparent. He put them into suits, he made them turn up on time, and he took their photgraphs and tapes to London.
Archie Macaw was the first A&R man to take an interest in the Rutles. He offered to record the Rutles and recommended Leggy to Dick Jaws, an unemployed music publisher of no fixed ability, who signed them to a publishing contract for the rest of their lives.

Elated, Leggy put the Rutles into the studio. Their first album, Please Rut Me, was made in twenty minutes. Their second took even longer. Success was only a drum-beat away.

In 1963 Rutlemania hit England. It seemed that the Rutles could do no wrong. A string of hits - Rut Me Do, Twist and Rut, Please Rut Me - brought unprecedented scenes of mass adulation.
By December they had nineteen hits in the top 20. Even the queen was impressed when they played before her at the Royal Command Performance.

In 1964 the Rutles made their all-important breakthough in America, when Hold My Hand, the Rutles' first single on Capatol Records, became a big hit. When they travelled to America for the first time, 10,000 screaming fans were at Kennedy Airport to greet them. Unfortunately the Rutles arrived at La Guardia.

Nevertheless the next day 73 million people watched them perform live on the Ed Sullivan Show. To all intents and purposes the Rutles had captured the world.
On their second visit to the States in early 1965 they played the world's first outdoor rock and roll concert at Che Stadium (named after the Cuban Guerilla leader Che Stadium). As a security precaution the Rutles arrived by helicopter a day early. This enabled them to be safely out of the place before the audience came in. It was a brilliant public relations coup. The kids were screaming so hard that thousands never noticed the difference. Promoter Syd Bottle described it as the most exciting twenty minutes of his life.

Inevitably the Rutles turned to films and conquered that medium too with the help of zany Rutland director Dick Leicestershire.

In 1966 the Rutles faced the biggest threat to their careers. Nasty in a widely quoted interview had apparently claimed that the Rutles were bigger than God, and was reported to have gone on to say that God had never had a hit record.

The story spread like wildfire in America. Many fans burnt their albums, many more burnt their fingers attempting to burn their albums. Album sales sky-rocketed. People were buying them just to burn them.

But in fact it was all a ghastly mistake. Nasty, talking to a slightly deaf journalist, had claimed only that the Rutles were bigger than Rod. Rod Stewart would not be big for another eight years, and certainly at this stage hadn't had a hit. At a press conference, Nasty apologized to God, Rod and the press, and the tour went ahead as planned. It would be the Rutles' last.

A year later the Rutles were caught up in another scandal. In the heady atmosphere of San Francisco of the mid sixties, Bob Dylan had introduced the Rutles to a substance that was to have enormous effects on them: Tea. They enjoyed its pleasant effects, despite warnings that it would lead to stronger things, and it enormously influenced their greatest work, Sgt. Rutter's Only Darts Club Band.
The release of this album, a millstone in pop music history, contributed greatly to an idyllic summer of bells, flowers and tea drinking. But it was not to last. Under questioning Dirk refused to lie to the British press and admitted to not only taking tea and enjoying tea, but biscuits too. The press, always envious of the Rutles, leapt at this oppurtunity to have it both ways. They grabbed the wrong end of the stick and began beating around the bush with it. In the ensuing confusion many pop stars were arrested for using and possessing tea. Nasty himself was busted by Detective Inspector Brian Plant, who brought his own to be on the safe side. There was an immediate outcry against this police persecution. The Times carried a full page ad calling for the legalisation of tea, and the general feeling was that police should stick to their proper job of collecting bribes from photographers and protecting the Royal Family from their subjects.

Stig meanwhile had fallen under the influence of Arthur Sultan, the Surrey mystic, and he had introduced Stig to his Ouija Board work. Sultan now invited the Rutles on a get away from it all table-tapping weekend near Bogner. As usual the press followed.

But while the Rutles sat at the feet of the Surrey mystic seeking spiritual enlightenment at his hands fate dealt them an appalling blow. It was at Bogner that they learned the shocking news of the loss of their manager Leggy Mountbatten. Tired and despondant over the weekend and unable to raise any friends, Leggy had gone home and, tragically, accepted a teaching post in Australia. It was a bombshell for the Rutles. They were shocked.

The Rutles' react to the loss of Leggy
The news was not entirely unexpected. Leggy's recent behavior had been giving grounds for concern. He had been investing heavily in Spanish bullfighters and in California he had been arrested for giving the kiss of life to a rubber raft. But he had for many years held the Rutles together, often forcibly. Now he was gone.

The Rutles first major flop The Tragical History Tour immediately followed the loss of Leggy. It was not the stongest idea for a Rutles film, four Oxford History Professors on a walking tour of English Tea Shops, and it was slammed mercilessly by the critics.
In 1968 Dirk and Nasty flew to New York to announce the formation of Rutles Corps, their aim, as Nasty put it, "to help people help themselves". Unfortunately Rutles Coprs did just that, people helped themselves for years. So many parasites jumped onto the band's wagon that at one stage they were losing money faster than the British government.

Nasty and Dirk announce Rutles Corps
The pilfering from Rutle Corps was on a monumental scale, typewriters, TV sets, telephones, cars, even offices disappeared overnight.

During this time, Dirk married Martini, a french actress who spoke no english and precious little french. When they married in London, the service was conducted in Spanish, Italian and Chinese, to be on the safe side.
Nasty, meanwhile, vistied an exhibition of broken art at The Pretentious Gallery in Soho. The art had all been dropped out of tall buildings and put on display. Amongst the little piles of rubble, Nasty found the artist herself, Chastity, a simple little german girl, who's father had invented World War Two. Chasitity fascinated him with her destructo-art. They talked all through the night, while she outlined her plans to drop artists out of planes. Nasty adored her. They announced their engagement next day, at a press conference held in his shower.

Nasty and Charity sit in the shower for peace

Stig, meanwhile, had hidden in the background so much that in 1969 a rumour went around that he was dead. Stig was of course, far from dead. Although not far from London. He had fallen in bed with Gertrude Strange, a large-breasted, biologically accomodating American girl who's father had invented the limpet mine. When Stig met her it was lust at first site. They retired to his bungalow where he woke up exhausted a year later to find that Gertrude was gone, leaving only some crumbs in the bed and a lot of torn sheets. She left no forwarding address, no farewell notes, but also luckily no children.

Barry meanwhile had also spent a year in bed as a tax dodge. Eric Manchester, the Rutles press agent, thinks that he either had appalling financial advice or he was deperately trying to start a "Barry is also dead" rumour. When he finally got up to answer the telephone, Rutle Corps was in a perilous financial state.

Nasty had flown back in a hurry from his honeymoon to meet Ron Decline, the most feared promoter in the world, in an attempt to settle Rutle Corps' appalling financial problems.

Unfortunately, Stig was now accepting the financial advice of Billy Kodak, Dirk had hired Arnold Schwarzenweisengreenenbluenbraunenburger to handle his end of the name, and Barry was consulting the I Ching every three and a half minutes.

In the midst of this public and legal wrangling Let It Rot was released as a film, an album, and a lawsuit. It showed the Rutles as never before; tired, unhappy, cross, and just like the rest of the world.

In December 1970 Dirk sued Stig and Nasty, Barry sued Dirk, Nasty sued Stig and Barry, and Stig sued himself accidentally. It was the end of a golden era, and the beginning of another one for lawyers everywhere.

What became of the Rutles?

Barry became a hairdresser with two fully equipped salons of his own. Stig went to work for Air India as an air hostess. Dirk with his wife Martini went on to form a punk rock group called the Punk Floyd. He sings and she doesn't.
Nasty turned his back on the world, and sat for many years with his thoughts and his memories. He briefly came out of his self-imposed exile in 1977 for an appearance on Saturday Night Live...

LOOK!!!!...

2007-04-25T16:36:00.000Z

whats this, gypo rummaging for rubbish at the local tip?...no!..
Holiday snap?..no!!
As you know in my perilous pestilential quest to find a humble spot to put a wheeeely bin, I have come across great authoritative battles and well basically a dead end...but then I found it..the holy grail!..not really..It's a space to put a bin of course!!!..next door to the chinese yard, and belonging to the neighbours downstairs, they kindly agreed to let me share this lowly piece of shit..OOOPS!!! land..
It's going to be tidied up and have a door put on...I quite like the dereliction of it as it stands..
Ah well thats another battle over with..hmmm whats next..

doesn't my face look fat in that pic..I look like a hamster with stuffed cheeks...heh!!..

IT'S ALL IN THE MIND?...

2007-04-23T10:12:00.000Z

For some years now I've been interested in psychiatry and psychology, I think it was because I used to visit my aunt in the local mental institution. It's worth noting that in this day and age she would not! have been in there.Anyhoo, I've studied the subject for many years and even sort out help myself from many a psychologist/psychiatrist for my own problems, "Oh come on you at the back laughing, its no big deal, we all have had some kind of phobia,obsession,addiction,depression etc...at some point albeit mild or acute".
Did you know that some school of thoughts believe that falling in love could be construed as a mental illness? (must say this is a more pleasant form of mental illness, although in extreme forms can lead to side effects such as obsession/jealousy/paranoia)..etc.
Also it's worth pointing out that 'religion' to some is a form of mental illness, I mean talking to something that isn't there, and living your whole life by rules set in the dark ages by an unfounded source has got to be mad!..
It's the beautiful complicated mind that seeks knowledge when we think somethings not right.
Mental=emotion=physical=human
Of course today its 'rock and roll' to call it therapy, because still there is a stigma attached to it, lets be honest, your nobody now till you've had a breakdown, which is a good thing as it brings it to the table, not like days of old when it was a family shameful secret,
(LOCK EM UP IN THE ATTIC!).
If you graze your knee you put a plaster on, if your mind is grazed/broken...well people side step you as if they might catch IT!.
And to my fascination I have found that the psychiatrists and psychologists I have the misfortune to come across in my time simply put, "don't have a clue".Ive seen off many, I can't deal with someone who's only knowledge is text book and not experience. I have a library of books on the subject collected over the years, and only a handful written by actual experience. What the 'therapists' didn't realise was is that 'I' was studying them, forever questioning 'their' theory's and methods.
This is what bugs me, because I've always known that the answers to most psychological problems lie in something quite straight forward, but the mental health institutions complicate it, It's simply put, the answer is not complicated, but these 'therapists' seek to complicate, and leave you feeling even more confused, they dig a deep hole in to your Psyche and all the time the answers lie on the surface,..its all based on one word..'FEAR'..fear of the what ifs buts and maybes.. fear of fear it's self..
We are born with 2 fears, fear of falling and fear of loud noises, any other fear we have is either learned or conditioned.
This weekend I have stumbled across some very interesting reading that spells out what I thought all along, that the solution lies in 'one move'..I will elaborate further when I have tested the theory, but it makes more sense than anything I've ever come across before.I'm fascinated in how the mind works and how it doesn't work...
There is a whole field of personality disorders i don't yet fully understand, but its interesting finding out.The range is wide, as the concept of mind accepted here is far broader than what may (at least at first) come to mind, as one thinks of mind: especially thinking and consciousness. We do not however, limit 'mind' to consciousness, or awareness, for even long before Freud it was clear that a great deal goes on 'mentally' that is beyond (or beneath.or at least outside) our awareness.
Yet the scholars can talk and analyze..they need to radically change their methods..there are simple answers to complicated problems..And I'd like to add that, I've had one broken nose, several black eyes..numerous bruises, cuts, scrapes, a fractured wrist and at times a broken/bruised and fractured mind...
SO WHAT???..

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS GIRL?..

2007-04-19T10:12:00.000Z

ONE OF OUR COMRADES HAS GAWN MISSING..
SHE WAS LAST SEEN IMPERSONATING A DAFFODIL IN THE SNOW..
IF SHE DOESN'T RETURN SOON, THERE WILL BE GREAT DISTENTION IN THE RANKS...
OH YES..AND WE MISS HER...

PONDERING...

2007-04-16T22:49:00.000Z

HOW DO YOU GET CHEWING GUM OFF A CATS BACK?...AND WILL IT STILL BE EDIBLE?..
THE CHEWING GUM, NOT THE CAT...

I DON'T WANT A FUNERAL!..

2007-04-15T22:44:00.000Z

UPDATE..IV'E CHANGE MY MIND..I WANT TO BE CRYNOGENICLY FROZEN...
________________________________________________________

I KNOW ITS A MORBID SUBJECT...BUT ONE MIGHT AS WELL SAY WHAT ONE WANTS WHILE ONE STILL CAN..
AS YOU ALL KNOW I HATE RELIGION...ITS SELF-RIGHTEOUS AND DOWN RIGHT BORING..
MY P & M HAD ME CHRISTEND (i had no choice)..BUT I'VE NEVER BEEN MARRIED IN CHURCH, NOR DID I HAVE CHANTAL CHRISTENED..
THE ONLY TIME I'VE HAD A SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE IN CHURCH WAS AT MY COUSINS WEDDING BACK IN THE DAY..I WAS ON A SERIOUS COME DOWN FROM SOME GRADE 'A' ACID..MY PUPILS WERE LIKE SAUCERS..THE FLOWER IN MY BUTTON HOLE WAS GIVING ME INTIMIDATING LOOKS..
I SAID " GOD I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE"..I LOOKS UP AND HE/GOD WAS SITTING ON A PEW MAKING SILLY FACES AT THE VICAR WHILST ROLLING A JOINT...

HE SAID.."OH YOU CAN SEE ME ..MUST HAVE BEEN BLOODY GOOD ACID!"..

"NICE SANDALS" I SAID...

HE GOES "OH THANKS THEY'RE MY SONS"..(think about it)...

ANYHOO WHAT I WANT IS...WHEN I DIE..I WANT TO BE CREMATED..NO FUNERAL..
(imagine the embarrassment if only two people show up and one of them is the priest and the other is the grave digger??)..
WHY SHOULD I BE FORCED TO GO TO A CHURCH IN DEATH, WHEN I NEVER WENT IN LIFE??..
I JUST WANT TO DISAPPEAR...I WANT ONE PERSON TO TAKE MY ASHES..AND ON THE MOST BRIGHTEST WINDY DAY OR STORMY NIGHT ..LET THEM LOOSE INTO THE WIND...MY SPIRIT WILL FLY HIGHER WITHOUT THE BINDS OF THE RELIGIOUS MAFIA..AND I CERTAINLY DON'T WANT NO EULOGY FROM A PRIEST THAT NEVER MET ME..
OF COURSE IF THERE'S A NUCLEAR WAR (yeah right)...WE WILL ALL BE EVAPORATED ..PROBLEM SOLVED..
OH DON'T WORRY I'M NOT PLANNING ON GOING JUST YET..THERE'S STILL SOME MISCHIEF TO BE HAD...OH YESSS!!...

THE STOLEN CHILD/FISHERMANS BLUES...THE WATERBOYS..

2007-04-14T19:17:00.000Z

Come away, human child
to the water
Come away, human child
to the water and the wild
With a faery, hand in hand
for the world's more full of weeping than you can understand

Where dips the rocky highland
of Sleuth Wood in the lake
There lies a leafy island
where flapping herons wake
The drowsy water rats;
there we've hid our faery vats
Full of berries
and of reddest stolen cherries

Come away, human child
to the water
Come away, human child
to the water and the wild
With a faery, hand in hand
for the world's more full of weeping than you can understand

Where the wave of moonlight glosses
the dim gray sands with light
Far off by furthest Rosses
we foot it all the night
Weaving olden dances
mingling hands and mingling glances
Till the moon has taken flight;
to and fro we leap
ANd chase the frothy bubbles
while the world is full of troubles
And is anxious in its sleep

Come away, human child
to the water
Come away, human child
to the water and the wild
With a faery, hand in hand
for the world's more full of weeping than you can understand

Where the wandering water gushes
from the hills above Glen-Car
In pools among the rushes
the scarce could bathe a star
We seek for slumbering trout
and whispering in their ears
We give them unquiet dreams;
leaning softly out
From ferns that drop their tears
over the young streams

Away with us he's going
the solemn-eyed:
He'll hear no more the lowing
of the calves on the warm hillside;
Or the kettle on the hob
sing peace into his breast
Or see the brown mice bob
around and around the oatmeal-chest

For he comes, the human child
to the water
He comes, the human child
to the water and the wild
With a faery, hand in hand
from a world more full of weeping than he can understand
Human child
human child
With a faery, hand in hand
from a world more full of weeping than he can understand...
than he can understand...
he can understand...

wish I was a fisherman
tumblin' on the seas
Far away from dry land
and its bitter memories
Casting out my sweet line
with abandonment and love
No ceiling bearin' down on me
Save the starry sky above
With light in my head
you in my arms
Woo!

I wish I was the brakeman
on a hurtlin' fevered train
Crashing a-headlong into the heartland
like a cannon in the rain
With the beating of the sleepers
and the burnin' of the coal
Counting the towns flashing by
in a night that's full of soul
With light in my head
you in my arms
Woo!

Tomorrow I will be loosened
from bonds that hold me fast
That the chains all hung around me
will fall away at last
And on that fine and fateful day
I will take thee in my hands
I will ride on the train
I will be the fisherman
With light in my head
you in my arms

Light in my head
You in my arms (repeat)

STRANGE DREAM...

2007-04-09T12:07:00.000Z

LAST NIGHT I HAD THE STRANGEST DREAM..I FEEL COMPELLED TO WRITE ABOUT IT..FIRSTLY, EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD I'VE HAD THIS RE-OCCURRING NIGHTMARE THAT I'M RUNNING THROUGH A DARK HOUSE AND EVERY TIME I GO TO PUT A LIGHT ON, IT DOESN'T WORK...I'VE HAD IT ONCE SINCE I MOVED IN HERE..
ANYHOW LAST NIGHTS DREAM WAS DIFFERENT...
I WAS IN THIS HOUSE, BUT THE TIME WAS NOT NOW, IT WAS EITHER EARLY SEVENTIES OR SIXTIES..I SAW THIS HOUSE IN IT'S ORIGINAL FORM, IT HAD THAT DANKNESS OF THE TIME...
I WAS STANDING IN FRONT OF A BIG CAST IRON FIREPLACE..IT HAD A CAST IRON HEARTH GUARD LIKE SMALL POINTY RAILINGS...
ALL OF A SUDDEN THE LIGHTS WENT OUT..IT WAS PITCH DARK..I STUMBLED TOWARDS THE FIREPLACE TO GET SOME MATCHES...I STRUCK A MATCH TO SEE MY WAY...BUT THEN I DROPPED IT...IT WENT UNDER THE HEARTH BETWEEN THE HEARTH AND GUARD...THE GUARD WAS SO HEAVY I COULDN'T RETRIEVE THE MATCH!, TO PUT IT OUT!...NEXT THING I KNOW THERE'S A GLOWING PILE OF CINDERS UNDER THE HEARTH...
I RAN BLINDLY TO GET OUT BUT WAS STUMBLING OVER OBJECTS I COULDN'T SEE..
FINALLY I RAN DOWNSTAIRS...AND THE DOOR JUST OPENED IT'S SELF AND THERE WAS THESE 3 FIGURES THERE IN A GLOW OF WHITE LIGHT..THERE WAS A LATE TEEN GIRL STANDING BEHIND AN OLD FASHIONED PUSHCHAIR THAT HAD SEEN BETTER DAYS, WITH A BABY ABOUT 1 YEAR IN IT, THEN NEXT TO HER A LITTLE GIRL ABOUT 4..THEY LOOKED SAD..I TRIED TO SHOUT AT THEM TO GET BACK, BUT YOU KNOW HOW YOUR VOICE IS ALWAYS BEHIND YOU IN NIGHTMARES, YOU CAN'T GET THE WORDS OUT...
OUTSIDE WAS BUSTLING WITH PEOPLE, IT WAS NIGHT TIME, BUT NO ONE NOTICED THE HOUSE ON FIRE!...
I LOOKED OVER THE ROAD AND THERE WAS THIS GIRL WHO LOOKS LIKE CHANTAL WHEN SHE WAS TEN...I'VE SEEN HER BEFORE IN REAL LIFE AT AN OLD DISUSED MINE NOT FAR FROM HERE..I WAS THERE WITH MY SISTER AND CHANTAL..SHE WAS ABOUT TEN THEN..I LOOKED UP AT THE OLD MINE SHAFT (WHICH WAS CORDONED OFF WITH WIRE FENCING)..AND SAW WHAT LOOKED LIKE CHANTAL SITTING AT THE TOP WITH HER FEET DANGLING,..I PANICKED AND SAID TO MY SISTER "OH MY GOD CHANTAL'S UP THERE"...AT THAT POINT CHANTAL APPEARED AND I LOOKED AGAIN AT THE MINE SHAFT AND THE GIRL WAS GONE..I QUESTIONED CHANTAL SAYING "WERE YOU UP THERE?"..SHE SAID "NO"...THINKING ABOUT IT, IT WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE FOR HER TO GET UP THERE..
ANYHOW IT WAS AT THIS POINT I WOKE UP..FEELING AN OVERWHELMING SADNESS..IN FACT I WAS IN TEARS...IT WAS THE DEAD HOUR..3.45.AM...THE SILENCE WAS DEAFENING...I LAY THERE QUITE STILL WAITING TO HEAR SIGNS OF LIFE..THEN I HEARD A CAR PASS AND FELL BACK TO SLEEP...
WHEN I WOKE THIS MORNING THE DREAM WAS STILL WITH ME..VIVID IN MY MIND...NOW I NEED TO KNOW IF THERE WAS EVER A FIRE IN THIS HOUSE AND IF LIVES WERE LOST..I KNOW THIS HOUSE WAS BUILT BEFORE 1920'S...I WILL HAVE TO INVESTIGATE...

WHAT!???....

2007-04-08T19:59:00.000Z

OK TWO SHORT CAT VIDDYS...

2007-04-06T14:53:00.000Z

THE PICTURE QUALITY IS POOR BECAUSE IT WAS DONE WITH MY MOBILE PHONE BUT I'M GOING TO DO SOME WITH A VIDEO CAMERA SOON..WHEN I BUY ONE..SOON..
THE FIRST IS OF ALFIE..AND BABY..(NEILS CAT)..WATCH HOW THEY RUN TOGETHER THEN START FIGHTING..ITS A VERY SHORT CLIP SO PAY ATTENTION 'CREAMIE', YOU CAN HEAR ALFIE SAYING HELLO...

THE SECOND ONE IS BABY PLAYING WITH HIS STRIPEY MOUSE..BLESS..

MASTER HARVEY HAS ARRIVED SAFELY!...

2007-04-02T08:47:00.000Z

ISN'T HE WONDERFUL?...!!....
8 POUNDS 10 OUNCES...CHANTAL IS WELL...BUT KNACKERED!!!...

I HAVE A LITTLE DITTY I WROTE FOR HARVEY..TO A NURSERY RHYME TUNE TYPE THINGY..

G-IS FOR GYPSY..NOT! FOR GRAN..
N-IS FOR NOIR..NOT! FOR NAN..

SO THE G AND N WORDS ARE STRICTLY FORBIDDEN...FROM ANYONE..

WELL DONE CHANTAL AND DARREN...AND WELCOME TO THE WORLD HARVEY!!...

I WILL HAVE TO SPOIL HIM ROTTEN OF COURSE..

I DONT KNOW..

2007-03-31T12:19:00.001Z

SO...I WAS SHOPPING IN MY LOCAL SUPER MARKET FOR MY USUAL NIGHT-CAP..5 BOTTLES OF BLUE NUN- GöTTINGEN SAUSAGES AND OF COURSE A KINDER SURPRISE EGGY WEG..

WELL, IMAGINE MY SURPRISE, WHEN I WAS SEIZED UPON BY 2 SECURITY GUARDS AND THROWN OUT THE STORE FOR BEING A RACIST!...JUST BECAUSE MY BASKET WAS FULL OF GERMAN PRODUCTS!..
THIS IS NANNY STATE GONE MENTAL..EXCUSE ME!..A RACIST I AM NOT!!...I FIRMLY BELIEVE WE ARE ALL THE SAME COLOUR UNDER THE SKIN..WE ALL BLEED RED BLOOD..
EXCEPT THE ROYAL FAMILY THAT IS , THEY BLEED BLUE BLOOD..HMM MUST BE THE INBREEDING...
ANYHOO, THE POLICE CAME AND FORMERLY CHARGED ME..I'M UP IN COURT NEXT TUESDAY..

OH ONE OTHER THING I FORGOT TO MENTION..I WAS DRESSED AS A FEMALE 'SS' OFFICER AT THE TIME...SURELY THAT WON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT?..

MY HERO'S...

2007-03-28T11:59:00.000Z

SWEETY DAH'LING....

AT LAST!..GYPSY TOWERS THE MOVIE!...

2007-03-22T22:38:00.000Z

FILMED BY- CHANTAL AND THE IMMINENT HARVEY KEY...

DIRECTED BY-ALFIE IN HIS JODPURS...

WARDROBE BY-OXFAM...
HAIR AND MAKE-UP-DERELICTÉ CHIC OF COURSE...
...THIS HAS BEEN A FILM NOIR PRODUCTION...
cripplely acclaimed...
coming soon..gypsy towers the book-musical-teatowel-beermat...

GYPSY TOWERS@ THE DERELICTÉ MANSION

2007-03-18T16:41:00.000Z

AS PROMISED SOME PICS OF GYPSY TOWERS..STARTING WITH THE NOIR BOUDOIR..I HAVENT HAD TIME TO DO THE VIDEO YET ..WHAT WITH CHANTALS DEMOLISION AND SUBSEQUENT RE-BUILDING OF OAKLAND...I TOOK PICS FROM ALL CORNERS TO TRY AND GIVE YOU AN IDEA OF JUST HOW BIG THIS ROOM IS..I STILL HAVE A FEW PICS TO PUT UP, AM WAITING FOR SOME NEW ONES TO ARRIVE..SO IT LOOKS A LIL BARE FOR NOW.. THE PIC ABOVE IS WHEN THE CEILING CAME DOWN..WONDROUSLY DERELICTÉ

THAT LUMP ON THE BED IS MY DOG NIPPA..HE REALLY IS THE SMALLEST DOG IN EXISTENCE..

I KIND OF LIKE THE FILM NOIR BARE LIGHT BULB...HEH!..

THAT MIRROR IS ALMOST 5FT HIGH..GIVES YOU AN IDEA OF JUST HOW HIGH THE CEILINGS ARE..

YES..THAT IS TINKERBELL ON THE CHAIR..

MORE TO FOLLOW SOON...

FOR MY MAM 'IVY'..AND ALL MUMS..

2007-03-16T14:35:00.000Z

YOU'VE HEARD OF THE SAYING TIED TO YOUR MOTHERS APRON STRINGS..WELL, I WAS..LITERALLY!, I USED TO FOLLOW HER EVERYWHERE WITH MY HAND TUCKED IN HER APRON POCKET...IT USED TO ANNOY HER SOMETIMES, BUT MOST OF THE TIME SHE WOULDN'T NOTICE...THE PICTURE IS OF ME MY MAM AND HER SISTER EVA ON THE FAR RIGHT ...WE WERE VISITING HER AT THE LOCAL MENTAL INSTITUTION, AS WE DID MANY TIMES..WE WERE THE ONLY ONES THAT DID..BUT THE TRAGIC STORY OF MY AUNT EVA DESERVES A WHOLE BLOG OF ITS OWN..

I'LL ALWAYS REMEMBER THE DAY IT STOPPED BEING GOOD...SHORTLY AFTER MY 21ST BIRTHDAY MAM HAD POPPED IN TO SEE ME AS SHE OFTEN WOULD....AND I HAVE THIS MEMORY ETCHED IN MY MIND...AS SHE WAS LEAVING I WAVED HER OFF DOWN THE STREET...SHE WAS SMILING AND SO WAS I...AS SHE GOT FURTHER AWAY, I GOT THIS FORBODING FEELING THAT I WAS GOING TO LOSE HER...I RAN IN THE HOUSE AND SOBBED MY HEART OUT...

SHORTLY AFTER THAT I FOUND OUT SHE HAD CANCER...AND WHAT FOLLOWED WAS THE WORSE YEAR OF MY LIFE, AS I WATCHED THIS STRONG HAPPY WOMAN FADE AWAY,IN THE MOST UNDIGNIFIED WAY TO AN EMPTY SHELL BEFORE MY VERY EYES..HELPLESS TO SAVE HER....IT HAD A PROFOUND EFFECT ON THE REST OF MY LIFE..

THERE'S NOT A DAY GOES BY WHEN I DON'T THINK OF HER..AND TO 'NEIL' AND INDEED ANYONE WHO HAS LOST THEIR MAM...ALL I CAN SAY IS ..THEY NEVER LEAVE US, THEY DO COME BACK WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT..THEY LOOK AFTER US FROM AFAR...I KNOW THIS FOR SURE...YOU NEVER GET OVER IT, BUT WITH TIME YOU LEARN TO TUCK THE HURT IN A SPECIAL PLACE...HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO ALL MOTHERS..XXX...

I MISS HER SMELL...

BOOK TAG....

2007-03-09T13:44:00.002Z

1. Find the nearest book:
2. Name the book title and author:
GYPSY SORCERY
by -C.G.LEYLAND
3. Turn to page 123:
4. Go to the 5th sentence on the page and then copy the next 3 sentences on your blog.

It is not many years since philolgists, have taken up some favourite language-for instance, Irish-discovering many words in many tongues almost identical with others in "earse," boldly claimed that this tongue was the original of all the others.
Now we find the roots of all in the Aryan. So when we examine Folk-lore, it is doubtless of great importance that we should learn where a tradition last lived: but we must not stop there-we must keep on enquiring till we reach the beginning.
As a rule, with little exception, when we find anywhere the grosser forms of fetish and black witchcraft, we may conclude that we have remains of the worlds oldest faith, or the first beginning of supernaturalism in suffering and terror, a fear of mysterious evil influences.

THE FILTH AND THE FURY!!...

2007-03-09T13:44:00.000Z

MY HEART BEAT WITH CHRONIC PALPITATIONS...ADRENALIN OOZING FROM EVERY PORE...MY EYES BLED WITH FEAR...I SHOOK LIKE A TOURETTES ON A NUMATIC DRILL..AND THAT WAS ME JUST UNPLUGING MY COMPUTER 4 WEEKS AGO!!!..IV'E MISSED YOU LOT SOOO MUCH..THEY SAID I NEEDED REHAB-ITAT BUT I SAID NO! NO! NO!..
WELL IVE BEEN BURIED UNDER A PILE OF RUBBLE FOR A WEEK, WHEN THEY PULLED MY CEILING DOWN GYPSY TOWERS RESEMBLED A SCENE FROM THE BLITZ OF 40'S LONDON...INFACT AT ONE POINT I WAS ISSUED WITH A GAS MASK AND RATIONING BOOK..AND FELT COMPELLED TO DRAW BLACK LINES UP THE BACK OF MY LEGS...DERELICTION-CONTRADICTION...NICE!....
WELL, I ABSO-FECKING-LUTELY LOVE GYPSY TOWERS ITS FABULICIOUS!!...
OH BUT I'M AT WAR WITH THE CHINESE ALL READY, MORE ON THAT LATER...

OH YES I'VE BEEN FORCED AT GUN POINT TO SWITCH TO GOOGLE BLOGGER...THE NERVE!!
THANKYOU FOR ALL YOUR WONDERFUL COMMENTS IN MY ABSENCE I SHALL READ AND RE-READ THEM ALL AND SCARPER FORTHWITH TO YOUR BLOGS...

THE GODS HAVE ROLLED THE DICE!...

2007-02-02T23:47:00.000Z

YIPPEE!!!...
AFTER MUCH PULLING OF HAIR OUT.....i GOT THE KEYS TO MY NEW FLAT TODAY..AFTER MANY MONTHS OF BLOOD ,SWEAT ,TANTRUMS AND TEARS...
I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO LIVE ABOVE A SHOP..AND ITS ABOVE A CHINESE TAKE AWAY ( the golden flower) AND A SEWING SHOP CALLED THE REMNANT BAR...AHA HA! WELL THEY HAVE A REMNANT GYPSY LIVING UPSTAIRS NOW....ITS MASSIVE!!..LOADS OF SPACE AND LIGHT ITS GOT LOADS OF CHARACTER..ITS ROUND IN PLACES AS ITS ON A CORNER..I SHOULD BE IN, IN A FEW DAYS..BEEN PACKING STUFF..AND STUFF AND STUFF!..OH LORDY IM A BIT SCARED BUT EXCITED MAINLY..
SO HERES TO BETTER DAYS IN ME NEW ABODE..SO IN THE WORDS OF THAT GREAT WAR SONG...

Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye
Cheerio...here I go on my way...
Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye...
Not a tear, but a cheer, make it gay...
Give me a smile I can keep all the while...
In my heart while I'm away Till we meet once again you and I...
Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye...

THE GYPO HAS FOUND A ROAD...

HAPPY GLASSES!!...

2007-01-24T00:44:00.000Z

WINTER GETTING YOU DOWN?...

LIFE JUST SHIT AT THE MOMENT?...

WELL NOT ANYMORE..

GYPSY NOIR INC PRESENTS TO YOU A ONCE IN A LIFE TIME OFFER...
'THE HAPPY GLASSES'..YES FOR JUST £124...THESE GLASSES WILL TURN YOUR LIFE AROUND..NO MORE MISERY EVERYTHING LOOKS TIK-A-TEE-BOO IN THESE WONDERFUL HAPPY GLASSES...TRANSFORM YOURSELF FROM A SAD TYPE INTO A CHARM OFFENSIVE JOLLY TYPE... SIMPLY PUT ON THE GLASSES AND SEE THE WORLD AS A HAPPY PERSON...

{Barry from leeds said.." I got sent down for a crime i did not commit..but since i bought my happy glasses i dont really care ill do the 20 year stretch with a smile on my face...thankyou gyspy you changed my life"!}

{rita from scotland said..." ive got 6 kids to 8 fathers...I have to prostitute myself to pay for my crack based cider addiction..i'm riddled with genital warts..my home was burnt to the ground and we now live in a skip...but thanks to the happy glasses i wear all the time..i live each day with a permanent grin..thanks to gypsy im truely happy"}

{A goth from leeds said}..."you have ruined my persona ,since i bought the happy glasses i can't stop smiling, this goes against everything i stand for, im in bits"}

re- goth from leeds...Shut the fuck up!..we all know that goths are really privileged middle class punk wanna be's who are really happy people just pretending to be sad...the sad fact is you are sad for trying to be sad...now go and put some make-up on to hide the fact...GN..

AVAILABLE ONLY ON THE QV SEE CHANNEL...

HURRY WHILE STOCKS LAST..

DISCLAIMER..IF THESE GLASSES DON'T CHEER YOU UP IN 5 WORKING DAYS I STRONGLY SUGGEST YOU SEEK SPIRITUAL GUIDENCE...

YOU WONT GET YOUR MONEY BACK..BUT YOU WONT CARE BECAUSE YOU WILL BE HAPPY...

??...

2007-01-19T02:46:00.000Z

WHEN ARE JELLY BABIES GOING TO GROW UP.....
I'VE JUST EATEN A WHOLE BAG.....
AND ITS QUITE SIMPLY NOT ENOUGH!!..

SLAG HEAP CHIC...

2007-01-15T19:26:00.000Z

AS YOU CAN SEE THE PIC OF ME SKI-ING ON THE TRASHINGTON SLAG HEAPS ONLY LAST WEEK...A VERY SORT OUT RESORT TO ONLY THE 'ELITE'...THATS ME IN MY BRIGHT ORANGE NEEB BOILERSUIT..BLACK WELLIES NOIR STYLE AND GALVANIZED RUBBER TYRE SKI'S.... I MADE THEM BY CUTTING UP TWO OLD TYRES FROM A QUICK FIT SKIP...(try saying that when your drunk and not making it sound dirdy)
YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO BOOK YOUR ANNUAL HOLIDAY HERE THIS YEAR...ALL THE E-LIST CELEBS DO...
WARNING- - -MAY CAUSE IRRIVERSABLE DAMAGE TO ONES CREDIBILITY..
(BTW i didn't steal this pic from dales blog and deface it no nah no not me sir)...

WE GOT TO GET OUT OF THIS PLACE...

2007-01-09T23:20:00.000Z

IF ITS THE LAST THING WE EVER DO...
WE GOT TO GET OUT OF THIS PLACE...
GIRL THERES A BETTER LIFE FOR ME AND YOU...

I DONT KNOW...

2007-01-04T12:19:00.000Z

SO...I WAS SHOPPING IN MY LOCAL SUPER MARKET FOR MY USUAL NIGHT-CAP..5 BOTTLES OF BLUE NUN- GöTTINGEN SAUSAGES AND OF COURSE A KINDER SURPRISE EGGY WEG..
WELL, IMAGINE MY SURPRISE, WHEN I WAS SEIZED UPON BY 2 SECURITY GUARDS AND THROWN OUT THE STORE FOR BEING A RACIST!...JUST BECAUSE MY BASKET WAS FULL OF GERMAN PRODUCTS!..THIS IS NANNY STATE GONE MENTAL..EXCUSE ME!..A RACIST I AM NOT!!...I FIRMLY BELIEVE WE ARE ALL THE SAME COLOUR UNDER THE SKIN..WE ALL BLEED RED BLOOD..EXCEPT THE ROYAL FAMILY THAT IS , THEY BLEED BLUE BLOOD..HMM MUST BE THE INBREEDING...ANYHOO, THE POLICE CAME AND FORMERLY CHARGED ME..I'M UP IN COURT NEXT TUESDAY..
OH ONE OTHER THING I FORGOT TO MENTION..I WAS DRESSED AS A FEMALE SS OFFICER AT THE TIME...SURELY THAT WON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT?..

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

2007-01-03T01:42:00.000Z

I WAS GOING TO KICK START THE NEW-UN WITH AN INTERESTING POST..BUT MY CREATIVE ARMY HAVE TURN COATED AND GOOSE STEPPED OFF TO NO MANS LAND ....(i thought trashington was no mans land!)...THEY WANT BETTER PAY AND CONDITIONS ..THE NERVE!...I PAY THEM IN OLD MONEY TO HUMOUR THEM..THRUPPENCE A MONTH..(hence the poor quality)..I EVEN GAVE THEM MY BUNKER... WITH-OUT THE WET DOG AND TIGHT SHOES..THE UNGRATEFUL SWINES!..SO THIS POST IS ABOUT NOTHING AT ALL..I HAVE DRIED UP TUMBLE WEEDS BLOWING ACROSS MY MIND.....ER............NICE WEATHER WE'RE HAVING....

HMM... I COULD TELL YOU ABOUT THE DREAM I HAD THE OTHER NIGHT...IT WOULD HAVE ME ON MR FRUEDS COUCH FOR A VERY LONG TIME... PYSCHOANALYSING HIS LITTLE SOCKS OFF.....
BEST NOT....

NO REGRETS...

2006-12-30T21:30:00.000Z

Edith Piaf - Non je ne regrette rien

THE AWESOME EDITH PIAF..A TRUE STAR...

HAPPY NEW YEAR MEIN FRIENDS.. 2-007 STIRED NOT SHAKEN

2006-12-30T15:19:00.000Z

MAY YOU HAVE ENOUGH HAPPINESS TO KEEP YOU SWEET

ENOUGH TRIALS TO KEEP YOU STRONG...
ENOUGH SORROW TO KEEP YOU HUMAN...
ENOUGH HOPE TO KEEP YOU HAPPY...
ENOUGH FAILURE TO KEEP YOU HUMBLE...
ENOUGH SUCCESS TO KEEP YOU EAGER...
ENOUGH FRIENDS TO GIVE YOU COMFORT...
ENOUGH WEALTH TO MEET YOUR NEEDS...
ENOUGH ENTHUSIASM TO MAKE YOU LOOK FORWARD TO TOMMORROW...
ENOUGH DETERMINATION TO MAKE EACH DAY BETTER THAN THE DAY BEFORE...

HAPPINESS DEPENDS ON MORE THAN YEARS...
ALL ONE'S MOMENTS GATHER TO A WAVE PASSING IN A ROLLING SWELL OF TEARS...
PASSIONS TOO IMMENSE TO NAME OR SAVE...
YET NEW YEARS IS A CREST ON WHICH TO SING
NOW POISED BETWEEN THE FUTURE AND THE PAST...
EACH AWAITS WHAT COURSE THE FATES MAY BRING...
WINDS THAT NEVER TOUCH THE THINGS THAT LAST...
YEARS TURN AND TURN WITH HYPNOTIC GRACE...
EVEN AS THE DEPTHS OF LIFE LIE STILL...
ALTHOUGH ABOVE ONE CANNOT SILENCE FACE...
REMEMBER THAT BELOW THE DIVERS WILL....

A GYPSY CHRIMBO..

2006-12-28T01:25:00.001Z

8.30.AM..WAKES UP AFTER STRANGE DREAM ABOUT 3 GHOSTS....LEAPS OUT OF BED..RUNS DOWN STAIRS SKIDS PAST PRESENTS..
BOOTS TURKEY IN TO OVEN FOR 5 HOURS THINKING AS I DO EVERY YEAR THAT IVE WON THE PRIZE TURKEY MEANT FOR THE CRATCHETS...WHEN REALLY ITS AN ANOREXIC OLD BIRD FRESH OUT OF REHAB!...2 HOURS LATER THE DAMN THINGS WELL COOKED..HMMM STARES AT TURKEY WITH INTENT FOR 2 HOURS TILL ITS TIME TO SWITCH VEG ON..BOIL SPROUTS FOR 3 HOURS MAKE SURE THEY ARE REDUCED TO MUSH....HMM PRESENTS..WONDER WHAT THIS IS (she says picking up dvd shaped gift)..OOOH LOOK ITS THE MIGHTY BOOSH LIVE ON TOUR!
(acting pretend surprized even though no ones there)..I BOUGHT IT MYSELF..WRAPPED IT, PUT A TAG ON IT , GAVE IT TO CHANTELLE..SHE WROTE OUT THE TAG ..FROM HER AND DARREN..AND GAVE IT BACK TO ME CHRISTMAS EVE...SO I GET EXCITED ..YAY!..CHANTS AND DARREN COME FOR LUNCH..FORCE FEED THEM TURKEY OF WHICH I HAD A MORSEL OF..INFACT I HAD CRANBERRY SAUCE WITH A BIT OF TURKISH ON THE SIDE..LOL...BLAND STUFF IT IS..GOOD JOB ITS ONLY ONCE A YEAR..WHY DO WE DO IT??...ANYHOW NICE TIME WITH CHANTS AND DARREN..THEY LEAVE BEFORE DARKNESS FALLS..I WATCH MONSTER INC ON THE BOX..THEN I GET READY FOR MY SPECIAL VISITOR...WE HAD A LOVELY CHRISTMAS NIGHT AND BOXING DAY TOGETHER...NUFF SAID...
BTW THE LEFT OVER TURKEY IS NOW FOR SALE ON E-BAY..GOING CHEAP..NO! HANG ON THATS WHAT BABY CHICKS DO..AHA!..

CHRISTMAS QUOTES...

2006-12-23T13:15:00.000Z

A good conscience is a continual Christmas.
benjamin franklin us author, diplomat, inventor, physicist, politician, & printer (1706 - 1790)

A turkey never voted for an early Christmas.
irish proverb

Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.

At Christmas I no more desire a rose
Than wish a snow in May's new-fangled mirth;
But like of each thing that in season grows.
william shakespeare Love's Labour Lost Greatest English dramatist & poet (1564 - 1616)

Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit. ..kin hubbard (1868 - 1930)

Dear Lord, I've been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey before us... a turkey which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird... a social being... capable of actual affection... nuzzling its young with almost human- like compassion. Anyway, it's dead and we're gonna eat it. Please give our respects to its family...
Berke Breathed, Bloom County Babylon

Christmas is a holiday that persecutes the lonely, the frayed, and the rejected.....

THE SNOWMAN...

2006-12-21T15:19:00.000Z

The Snowman

TO YOU ALL.. MY BLOGGING FRIENDS..

2006-12-16T14:44:00.000Z

IT TAKES COURAGE ... BUT GAZING IN TO THE DARKNESS... YOU SEE A LIGHT....
THOUGH SMALL AT FIRST, IT GROWS INCREASINGLY BRIGHT AS YOU BRING IT INTO FOCUS....
FILLING YOU WITH A DEEPER TRUTH....
A GREATER SURENESS OF SPIRIT....
UNTILL INSIDE YOUR GLOWING BRIGHTER THAN THE BRIGHTEST CHRISTMAS TREE....
AT LEAST THATS MY WISH FOR YOU...
THAT YOU MAY ALWAYS GLOW BRIGHTLY...
NO MATTER THE TIME OF YEAR....
AND IN DOING SO....
EVEN ATTRACT GODS AND SPIRITS TO YOU...
BEARING FINE GIFTS...
LET ALONE MERE MORTALS...

have a derelicté chic christmas...x...

YULETIDE GESTAPO!...

2006-12-13T13:06:00.000Z

AFTER MONTHS OF PLANNING..

BLOOD, SWEAT, TEARS...

SLEEPLESS NIGHTS...

LAY-LINE POSITIONING...

FENG SHUI CONSULTATIONS...

CONSTANT NAGGING ("why havent you got your tree up you scrooge"?)...

I PRESENT TO YOU MY YULETIDE OFFERING...

WAIT FOR IT...

TADAH!!!!!!!....

HOMEWORK FOR MISS BARGIE...

2006-12-09T14:44:00.000Z

ILL NEVER STOP SULKING TILL I GET MY OWN WAY..
ILL NEVER STOP BEING A CHILD WITH-IN..OR OUT
ILL NEVER STOP READING OLD EDITIONS OF THE BEANO ,FREAK BROS AND VIZ ..
ILL NEVER MIX CRACK COCAINE WITH HEROIN ON A TUESDAY..
ILL NEVER WEAR STAY CREASE ACTION SLACKS..
ILL NEVER WEAR MY PVC JEANS, BOOTS AND COAT AT THE SAME TIME AS THEY MAKE FAR TO MUCH NOISE WHEN COMBINED..
ILL NEVER WATCH A POLICE OR MEDICAL DRAMA ON THE BOX..CRASS!
ILL NEVER GO TO DISNEYLAND ITS SICK!..
ILL NEVER RIDE A BIKE WITH A STUFFED CAP FOR A SEAT AGAIN ITS TO ADDICTIVE..
ILL NEVER SAY "ILL NEVER SAY NEVER"..EVER!
ILL NEVER PUT ALFIE IN PINK DRESSES AGAIN ITS SIMPLY NOT HIS COLOUR..
ILL NEVER DO A ILL NEVER DO LIST........OH HANG ON I HAVE......NO THERES MORE....NO I BETTER NOT...

YES! THE WONDERFUL JARVIS..

2006-12-04T02:37:00.000Z

Rob Newman--Jarvis

OHHH GOD!!...

GREAT EXPECTATIONS 2036

2006-12-03T01:54:00.000Z

THE YEAR IS 2002 THE WIND BLEW COLD OUTSIDE BUT MISSHAVERSHAM@HOTMAIL.CON WAS WARM AND COSY IN HER MASION WHICH WAS SITUATED JUST OUTSIDE DARTMOOR PRISON..SHE WAS SITTING AT HER COMPUTER AS USUAL GOING THROUGH HER ACCOUNTS AND JUNK E-MAILS...WHEN SHE NOTICED AN ADVERT POP UP FOR ONLINE DATING.. FINDABEAU.CON ..HMM IT CAUGHT HER EYE AS SHE HAD NEVER HAD A BOYFRIEND BEFORE AT 40 SHE FELT THAT LIFE HAD PASSED HER BY AND LOVE WAS NOT FOR HER..NEVER THE LESS OUT OF CURIOSITY SHE CLICKED THE ICON AND THE FIRST PICTURE THAT CAME UP WAS WALTER...HE WAS 40 ASWELL..HE WASN'T YOUR AVERAGE GOOD LOOKING GUY INFACT HE WAS GINGER AND TOOTHLESS..BUT MISS HAVERSHAM SAW SOMETHING IN HIM AND PROMPTLY CLICKED HIS E-MAIL ADDRESS AND QUICKLY TYPED HER LIFE STORY TO HIM...ALSO CONVEYNG HER INTEREST IN HIM TOO..SHE PRESSED SEND AND WAITED IN ATICIPATION......3 HOURS LATER HE REPLIED..

[DEAREST MISS HAVERSHAM IVE BEEN ON THIS DATING SITE FOR 5 YEARS NOW AND YOUR THE ONLY ONE TO REPLY TO MY ADD...WILL YOU MARRY ME?]..

[OH YES! YES !WALTER I WILL...I LOVE YOU]..

SO EVERY NIGHT AT 6 THEY WOULD MEET ONLINE IN THE CHAT ROOM..CHAT TILL THE EARLY HOURS...HE SENT HER A VIRTUAL ROSE..SHE PRINTED IT OUT AND KEPT IT UNDER HER PILLOW....AHH SHE COULD SMELL WALTERS EMAIL ADDRESS ON IT HOW SWEET...
THIS WENT ON FOR ABOUT 6 YEARS...THEN ONE NIGHT SHOCK! HORROR!...WALTER DIDN'T COME ONLINE...SHE SAT THERE FOR 3 WEEKS WONDERING AND WAITING FOR HIM TO COME ONLINE..SHE DIDN'T EAT OR SLEEP SHE SAT THERE..EYES FIXED TO THE SCREEN...LONGING FOR THE LITTLE PICTURE OF HIM TO RISE FROM THE ETHER ..SHE GOT THE COMPUTER BOY OUT TO SEE IF HER COMPUTER WAS BANDY BUT HE SAID IT WAS WORKING FINE..OF COURSE SHE WOULDN'T HAVE IT AND GOT HIM OUT TIME AND TIME AGAIN OVER THE YEARS.....TILL EVENTUALLY HE WOULDN'T COME NO MORE...
WELL THE COMPUTER BOY GREW INTO A MAN AND HE OFTEN WONDERED WHAT BECAME OF THE STRANGE MISS HAVERSHAM...SO ONE DAY HE POPPED IN TO SEE HER...HE WAS FREAKED OUT BECAUSE THE HOUSE WAS EXCACTLY THE SAME AS IT WAS WHEN HE LAST VISITED ABOUT 24 YEARS AGO...SHE WAS SITTING THERE ONLINE...DRESSED IN THE WEDDING DRESS SHE HAD CHOSE FOR THEIR BIG DAY...OLD AND GREY NOW..SHE AND THE COMPUTER WERE COVERD IN COBWEBS..THE HOUSE WAS IN DARKNESS EXCEPT FOR A CANDLE SHE HAD BURNING NEXT TO A PHOTOCOPY PICTURE OF WALTER....THE COMPUTER BOY/GUY PULLED DOWN THE CURTAINS AND OPENED THE DOORS TO LET IN LIGHT AND FRESH AIR..AND TO LET THE CAT OUT...BUT SHE NEVER EVEN LIFTED HER EYES FROM THE SCREEN..HE SHOOK HER AND SAID.."MISS HAVERSHAM GIVE IT UP HE ISN'T COMING BACK HE'S PROBERBLY MARRIED OR DEAD"!....SILENCE ...
A GUST OF WIND BLEW THE PICTURE OF WALTER TO THE FLOOR... SHE MOMENTARILY TOOK HER EYES OFF THE SCREEN TO PICK IT UP AS SHE DID SO SHE KNOCKED THE CANDLE OFF AND IT LANDED ON THE PIC..IT QUICKLY TOOK ALIGHT... SHE TRIED TO SAVE IT BUT SHE FELL ON IT SETTING HER WEDDING DRESS ALIGHT TOO.!..SHE BURST IN TO FLAMES...COMPUTER BOY/MAN TRIED TO PUT HER OUT THWACKING HER WITH AN OLD ROLLED UP CARPET NOT REALISING HE SHOULD HAVE ROLLED HER IN IT..BUT IT WAS TO LATE...HE HAD TO RUN FROM THE HOUSE WHICH WAS NOW A BLAZING INFERNO..

SO THERE YOU HAVE IT A MODERN DAY CLASSIC TALE...
THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS....
GET BROADBAND ITS MUCH QUICKER!...

THE END.....

2006-11-29T02:28:00.000Z

Wuthering Heights

CUE ROCKY FANFARE..

2006-11-28T00:48:00.000Z

GYPSY SWISHES INTO THE BOXING ARENA WEARING HER FIVE INCH HEELS AND RED SATIN GOWN WITH
'GYPSY ACID TONGUED QUEEN' ON THE BACK....
SHE TAKES HER PLACE IN THE RED CORNER...
IN THE BLUE CORNER WE HAVE TRASHINGTON COUNCIL QUIVERING IN GREY LONG JOHNS...
((DING DING)) ROUND ONE ...GYPSYS STRAIGHT IN FOR THE KILL...(G)"WHY HAVENT YOU PROCESSED MY REQUEST YOU LEFTY LOONYS"?...(T)"ITS GETTING SORTED DON'T WORRY"...
(G)" YOUR LYING BASTARDS!...OH NO THE REFEREE HAS TO PRISE THEM APART...GYPSY RETIRES TO HER CORNER..TOUCHES UP LIPPY..
((DING DING))....ROUND TWO..GYPSY STROLLS IN...TRASH COUNCIL ATTACKS WITH A LEFT HOOK...OH NO!!! GYPSYS HIT THE CANVAS....SHES DOWN!...SHE CANT GET UP!...TRASH COUNCIL STRUT ROUND THE RING IN IDIOTIC GLORY...A10-A9-A8-A7-A6..IS GYPSY GOING TO GET UP!?....A5..THERES SOME DAMAGE TO HER RIGHT EYE..A4-OH MY GOD!! THEY'VE SMUDGE HER EYE MAKE-UP...-A3-A2-..SHES UP!!!..MEDICS RUSH TO HER AID TO APPLY MORE EYELINER...
((DING DING))...ROUND THREE...TRASH COUNCIL SURGES FORWARD AND TELLS GYPSY TO PISS OFF YOUR FUCKED BASICALLY...GYPSY WHO IS KNOWN FOR HER (COUGHS) DECORUM KICKS HIM BETWEEN THE LEGS...AND AS HE LAYS SQUIRMING PINS HIM DOWN WITH HER SPIKEY HEEL IN HIS BRUISED BALLS..(because im a lady)...REFEREE SAYS.."THATS FOWL PLAY GYPSY YOU CAN'T DO THAT"..(G)" YES I CAN ITS WHAT THEY DID TO ME"..GYPSY FLICKS REF ON FORHEAD WITH NAIL FILE..HE ISSUES HER WITH A RED CARD..(hang on thats football)...GYPSY ISSUES REF WITH AN FREE PASS TO THE ABBATIOR FREE PROSTITUTE NIGHT...TRASH COUNCIL SPRINGS UP AND HITS GYPSY WITH AN UNDERCUT BLOW...SHES DOWN AGAIN..WILL SHE GET UP THIS TIME?....TO BE CONTINUED.......

2006-11-26T16:01:00.000Z

You've Got a Friend

ahhh bless...

2006-11-26T14:40:00.000Z

Mr Men - Mr Happy slapper

LMAO...

WANTED AKA47..

2006-11-23T22:09:00.000Z

DEAREST ALL AT TRASHINGTON COUNCIL,

THANKYOU FOR KICKING ME DOWN TODAY,...THAT WAS SO SWEET OF YOU,..YOU HAVE EXCEllED YOURSELVES ONCE AGAIN IN BOILING MY PISS,..YOUR A BUNCH OF BUREAUCRATIC BASTARDS!...WHAT YOU OFFERED ME WAS AN INSULT TO HUMANITY, I WANT YOU TO PLACE IT UP YOUR FASCIST ARSE WITH A STICK OF DYNAMITE TIED TO IT WITH NICE PINK RIBBON 'OF COURSE'... I DO HOPE YOU ALL GET THE SLOWEST FORM OF CLAP,...SO YOU ROT AWAY FOR YEARS AND YEARS...
FAILING THAT I SHALL CALL IN WITH MY BLACK AND WHITE DERELICTÉ ARMY TO STAGE A MILITARY COUP, OVER THROW THE LOT OF YOU!..

FREEDOM FOR THE TRASHINGTON ONE..

HAVE A NICE DAY NOW...

YOURS RESPECTFULLY

GYPSY NOIR

XX

now for plan B..hang on what plan B?..oh yes that plan B..OK OK...plan B better anyway..

IF YOU LOVE TO BE PUT ON HOLD FOR ETERNITY WHILST TRYING TO SORT A BILL OUT GO TO MY WEBSITE www.onhold/yourwristsasyouwait.con

THE LUSHIOUS RUSSEL AND VINCE FOR YOUR DERELICTÉTATION...

2006-11-19T14:22:00.000Z

Russell Brand & Noel Fielding - When Two Hairs Collide

QUESTION?

2006-11-17T20:28:00.000Z

DOES MEMORY GENES EXPLAIN DEJA VOU??

we all inherit characteristics from our ancestors...like the fact that i started dipping my bread crust in my tea as a very young child..the only person that ever did that was my mothers mum and she died before i was born infact she told my mum she was expecting twins on her death bed mum didn't know she was pregnant at that time...course i didn't inherit her better skills of playing the piano and piano accordion...just the crust dipping thingy..and its also scientifically proven that we pass on memory genes from as far back as possible...so you know when you get that strong feeling you have just lived that moment before or been to a new place but know it so well or even fear things for no reason...is this deja vou or is this a memory gene from a distant relative??..i get it all the time with places and people...sometimes you meet people and you instantly like them or instantly dont like them but your not sure why...as a child i would recount stories of being in victorian london...could this explain mediumship are we contacting the dead or maybe just tapping in to a memory bank..hmmm...and can you see yourself in the future because if time is irrelevant then the future is already happening..are we a past memory already??..hmmm..ponders a while...

SHOCKING EXPOSÉ!! KENS A CROSS DRESSER!!..

2006-11-14T15:48:00.000Z

THIS IS THE SHOCKING DISCOVERY I MADE LAST NIGHT..KEN CROSS DRESSING IN BARBIES CLOTHES!..
I HAD TO INSEPCT HIM WITH BINOCULARS TO SEE IF HE HAD ANY FURNITURE REMOVED...THREE PIECE SUITE IS STILL INTACT...
HE TOLD ME HE'S NOT GAY....ITS JUST A FETISH OF HIS..SOO..WE KISSED AND MADE UP....

MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE

2006-11-12T20:13:00.000Z

OBSSESIVE COMPLUSIVE_PRESS ONE REPEATEDLY....

CO-DEPENDANT_ASK SOMEONE TO PRESS TWO FOR YOU....

MULTI-PERSONALITYS _PRESS THREE/FOUR/FIVE AND SIX....

PARANOID_ WE KNOW WHAT YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU WANT... STAY ON THE LINE AND WE'LL TRACE YOUR CALL....

DELUSIONAL_PRESS SEVEN AND YOUR CALL WILL BE TRANSFERED TO THE MOTHERSHIP....

SCHIZOPHRENIC_LISTEN CAREFULLY AND A SMALL VOICE WILL TELL YOU WHICH NUMBER TO PRESS....

DEPRESSIVE_IT DOESN'T MATTER WHICH NUMBER YOU PRESS, NO ONE WILL ANSWER YOU....

DYSLEXIC_PRESS 6969696969

NERVOUS DISORDER_PLEASE FIDGET WITH THE HASH KEY UNTILL THE BEEP....AFTER THE BEEP PLEASE WAIT FOR THE BEEP....

SHORT TERM MEMORY LOSS_PLEASE TRY YOUR CALL AGAIN LATER....

LOW SELF ESTEEM_PLEASE HANG-UP..ALL OUR OPERATORS ARE TO BUSY TO TALK TO YOU...

VINCE NOIR...

2006-11-07T19:27:00.000Z

KING OF THE MODS.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SdzCv550NSg

POPPY DAY 11TH NOV...

2006-11-05T18:41:00.000Z

HAVE YOU SEEN THE OLD MAN...

OUTSIDE THE SEAMAN'S MISSION...

MEMORY FADING WITH...

THE MEDAL RIBBONS THAT HE WEARS...

IN OUR WINTER CITY...

THE RAIN CRIES A LITTLE PITY...

FOR ONE MORE FORGOTTEN HERO...

AND A WORLD THAT DOESN'T CARE...

GYPSYS 12 STEP HEALTH REGIME..

2006-11-02T20:28:00.000Z

Often people ask me, "gypsy how the hell do you look so young fit and vibrant for a 49 year old"?...I SAID!!!..people ask how i look so young fit and vibrant for a 49 year old!!!???..(faint voice under duress in the background says "yeah gyps how do you look so young fit and vibrant for a 49year old"?).."Well thanks for asking young man"...Im going to share my secret with one and all because im a charitable soul and im flogging my hexercise dvd..entitle

'HOW TO STAY FIT BY DOING FUCK ALL' so heres the plan"

1. WAKE UP EVERYDAY IF POSSIBLE (not essential) NOT TOO EARLY ANYWHERE BETWEEN 11AM AND 2PM...

2. HAVE 6 CUPS OF TEA ACCOMPANIED BY 6 LOW CALORIE SILKCUT...

3. THINK ABOUT GETTING UP WHILST DOSSING OFF AGAIN...

4. BREAKFAST AROUND 2-3PM, SUGAR PUFFS ,FROSTIES OR RICE KRISPIES, ANY WITH A FREE TOY TO PLAY WITH...

5. EXHAUSTED FROM PLAYING WITH FREE TOY NEED AFTERNOON NAP..

6. MORE TEA AND FAGS...

7. APPLY MAKE-UP...

8. RECOUPERATE FROM STRENUOUS EXERCISE OF MAKE-UP APPLYING.

9. WAKE UP AGAIN TIME TO MEDITATE, STARE AT A PICTURE OF YOUR FAVE DERELICTÉ... .

10. INTERNET SHOP...

11. WATCH TV OR DVD WHILST MUNCHING A TAKE-AWAY...

12. TIME FOR BED, ITS BEEN A HARD DAY...

PSSSST!!!.. DO YOU WANT TO KNOW A SECRET....

2006-11-01T20:24:00.000Z

WELL WHAT IS IS RIGHT , ... ! ..... COMPLETELY NAKED! AND , ??.... . CURDLED CREAM OVER HIS ! .... .. , .... WELL SHE JUST , . OF COURSE THE VICAR SAID !!!!! BEING A FAMOUS !. , THE POLICE FOUND , . ...IN EVERY ORIFICE!!.....LOL IMAGINE THAT!!..... RUBBERIZED INNER TUBES IN . , PAINFUL AT THE TIME BUT HE DID .......RSPCA THE WORST DEGRADATION EVER!.... THE RIGHT HONOURABLE MP T KSON DENYS ....BEGGED AND PLEADED .... , !!!!...... PASSERSBY WERE PHYSICALLY SICK!....
. ...YOU HAVE TO LAUGH THOUGH...ANYWAY YOU DIDN'T HEAR ANY OF THIS FROM ME...

FOR CHANTAL..

2006-10-31T16:13:00.000Z

ON THIS NIGHT MY DELIGHTFUL DEVIL CHILD CHANTAL WAS BORN BETWEEN THE WITCHING HOUR AND ALL SAINTS DAY...SHE ARRIVED 12.15AM...1ST NOV....THESE EXQUISITE PIECES OF MUSIC SUMS UP MY FEELINGS.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u8WWmJAqYKQ OR WAS IT THIS http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wx9h8iYeXKc

QUESTION???

2006-10-30T18:51:00.000Z

IF THE CAVEMEN AND THE DINOSAURS DIDN'T POLLUTE THE PLANET ..HOW COME THEY SUFFERED CATACLYSMIC CLIMATE CHANGES??...GLOBAL WARMING BOLLOCKS!...ITS ALL A SCAM...THESE ARE UNIVERSAL SEASONS...THE TOXINS THAT FLOW FROM THE EARTH ARE SO INSIGNIFICANT THEY REALLY MAKE NO DIFFERENCE AT ALL...IN THE SCHEME OF THINGS...THE EARTH HAS A SHELF LIFE LIKE ANY OTHER PLANET...TRUST ME IM A ROCKET SCIENTIST IN MY SPARE TIME...

EXTRA HOUR FOR SALE..

2006-10-29T18:47:00.001Z

..SLIGHTY DAMAGED...APPLY WITHIN.. NO TIME WASTERS...*due to poor response*...free with the hour..12 tiresome minutes and a broken watch..

FEAR...

2006-10-28T14:03:00.000Z

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v6Hw9_N0pZE GREAT FILM AND SONG WORDS...

AND...

2006-10-28T14:02:00.000Z

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m30441fLUUM AND THE NARRATION FROM THE BEGINNING..

LOATHING...

2006-10-28T13:54:00.000Z

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8pVkCCo7et4 HUNTER STOCKTON THOMPSON SUICIDE NOTE...

THE GYPSY NOIR DEPRECIATION SOCIETY..

2006-10-28T01:43:00.000Z

ENTER YE WHO HAVE NO FAITH...SPECIAL DISCOUNT FOR SINNERS...THE MANAGMENT REQUEST THE RIGHT TO KICK OUT ANYONE WHO ADMITS TO THE HEINIOUS CRIME OF OWNING OR EVEN WATCHING THE SOUND OF MUSIC AND FINDING IT ENDEARING...OH AND IF YOUR BROTHERS WIFES COUSINS AUNTYS GRANDADS, DAD...HAS BEEN SEEN IN PUBLIC CONVERSING WITH A JEHOVAHS WITLESS ...THEN HIS APPLICATION WILL BE USED AS AN ARSE WIPE AND BURNED IN THE FIRES OF HELL...APART FROM THAT..WELCOME....NO REALLY...DO COME IN...

OFFICIAL STATEMENT

2006-10-26T23:26:00.000Z

NEIL EMERY IS NOT DULL!!!!....ANYONE WHO SAYS SO WILL BE HANGED BY THE NECK TILL THEY CHEER-UP!...

ITS OFFICIAL ALFIES A PERV!...

2006-10-24T21:39:00.000Z

HERE WE HAVE IT..HARD CORE EVIDENCE THAT ALFIE IS A PEEPING TOM..... I TOOK THIS PICTURE AS PROOF WHILST I WAS IN THE BATH TONIGHT OF ALFIE PERVING OVER ME ...HENCE THE STEAMY IMAGE...SO GIRLS AND GUYS ( HE HAS BEEN KNOWN TO SWING)..LOCK YOUR BATHROOM DOORS THERES A SEXUAL DEVIANT CHINCHILLA ON THE LOOSE!....

COMEDY VERSUS TRAGEDY AGAIN!...

2006-10-23T12:56:00.001Z

REMEMBER AGES AGO I TOLD YOU OF THE NIGHT CLUB OWNERS FUNERAL AND HOW THE CRASHING OF THE HORSES TURNED WHAT WAS BY ALL ACCOUNTS A TRAGIC SITUATION IN TO A COMEDY OF ERRORS...WELL, IT SORT OF HAPPENED AGAIN NOT SO EVENTFUL AS THE LAST..MY GOOD FRIEND OF 30 YEARS HEATHER RANG THE OTHER DAY TO SAY HER FATHER HAD DIED..HE WAS 86 IN GOOD HEALTH, ..(well till that point anyway)..A GAME KEEPER ALL HIS LIFE, A LOVELY DOWN TO EARTH GUY..SHE TOLD ME HER MUM HAD RANG HER IN A PANIC AND SAID" I THINK YOUR DAD IS DEAD!"...SHE DROPPED EVERYTHING AND RAN ROUND TO HER MUMS..HER FATHER WAS SITTING ON THE TOILET DEAD...(no he wasn't an elvis fan)...BUT SHE THOUGHT HE WAS ASLEEP AND TRIED TO WAKE HIM..THEY CALLED 999 FOR HELP.. ...MEANWHILE THEY PULLED UP HIS PANTS FOR DIGNITIES SAKE AND PUT A BLANKET ON HIM..TO KEEP HIM WARM??? AND PUT HIM BACK ON THE TOILET...HEATHER RAN BACK HOME FOR HER CIGARETTES...HER BOYFRIEND HAD BEEN OUT FOR AN AFTERNOON DRINK AT THE PUB AND WAS WORSE THE WEAR LYING IN BED..SHE QUICKLY TOLD HIM WHAT HAD HAPPENED AND WENT BACK TO HER MUMS..MEANWHILE THE BOYFRIEND WAKES UP NOT KNOWING WHATS REAL..WENT TO HIS SISTERS AND SAID "I HAD A STRANGE DREAM HEATHER RUSHED IN AND SAID HER DAD WAS DEAD ON THE TOILET..I DONT KNOW WHERE SHE IS"...HIS SISTER SAID MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO AND CHECK AT HER MUMS...HE GOES TO THE MUMS, HEATHER ANSWERS THE DOOR SAYING "COME ON IN AND SEE HIM HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S ASLEEP ON THE TOILET"...(obviously in shock bless her)..HE BACKS OFF IN HORROR RUNS BACK HOME...YOU KNOW THAT MOMENT IN THE LIFE OF BRIAN WHEN PONTIUS PILATE IS SAYING' BIGGUS DICKUS' AND THE SOLDIERS ARE STIFELING THEIR LAUGHS..THIS IS ME AT THIS POINT BUT THEN IT GETS WORSE..SHE GOES ON TO TELL ME THAT AT THE FUNERAL HER OLDER SISTER STARTS KICKING UP A FUSS AT THE GRAVESIDE SERVICE, ON SEEING THE HOLE HE WAS TO BE BURIED IN, THERE WAS ONLY ROOM FOR ONE MORE HIS WIFE OBVIOUSLY,..SO SHE IS TALKING OVER THE VICAR SAYING "I ALWAYS THOUGHT THERE'D BE ROOM FOR ME, WHERE AM I GOING TO BE BURIED!"...(shes only 53)...THEN AFTER THE SERVICE SHE PULLS THE VICAR TO ONE SIDE SAYING IN A LOUD VOICE.."I WANT A PLOT NEXT TO HIM, I DONT WANT TO GO TO THE OTHER SIDE OF TOWN, I WANT TO BE HERE ON TOP OF MY DAD"...THE VICAR IS SPEECHLESS,...A WEEK LATER SHE TAKES HEATHER TO THE GRAVE YARD TO POINT OUT HER PLOT! THAT SHE HAD PURCHASED, ..A FEW YARDS FROM HER FATHER ..A DOUBLE PLOT FOR BOTH SHE AND HER HUSBAND..(poor sod))..NEXT TO THE PATH???..OF COURSE SHE SAID "I WANT TO BE NEXT TO THE PATH"..(why would anyone want to be buried next to a path??).IMAGINE THAT!...SOME PEOPLE ...HEATHER SAID SHE HADN'T SPOKEN TO ANYONE SINCE HER FATHERS DEATH..AND RANG ME...WE BOTH ENDED UP LAUGHING AT THE WHOLE SCENARIO..AND SHE THANKED ME AFTERWARDS SAYING HOW SHE FELT BETTER HAVING TALKED OF IT AND EVEN SEEING THE FUNNY SIDE...LIFE IS STRANGE BUT SO IS DEATH...(when I leave this mortal coil I want to be cremated and my ashes scattered in to the wind..simple, of course they will probably end up on a slag heap or something distasteful..lol)....BUT I WILL BE BACK TO HAUNT YOU ALL SO BE WARNED!...

JUST MEIN GLÜCK.....

2006-10-22T10:26:00.000Z

..FRAULEIN GYPSY HAS RESURFACED FOR ALECIA...
OK, RANG DOC THIS MORNING..JUST TO CLARIFY IF THE DIAGNOSIS WAS SPASTIC OR PLASTIC? ...SADLY IT WAS SPASTIC..ALL THIS TIME IVE BEEN DROOLING OUT OF THE RIGHT HAND SIDE OF MY MOUTH... I THOUGHT IT WAS THE ILLICIT THOUGHTS I WAS HAVING AT HELMUTS 'SS' BOOTS...DAMN!..

THANKYOU LACE..X..

2006-10-21T22:32:00.000Z

I AM BOTH SPEECHLESS AND TOUCHED...THIS HAS REALLY MOVED ME... http://blkvelvet.blogspot.com/

PROGNOSIS...INTRANSIGENCE

2006-10-21T10:38:00.000Z

my doctor came to see me the other day to check if i was still alive...because I never go to see her ...if im ill I cure myself most of the time..my file in her office is so thin it had been treated for anorexia and abandonment issues...i never knew this!..anyway she talked with me for a while and in her quest to leave with a diagnosis she finally came to the conclusion that a suffer from a common condition called... BI-PLASTIC...its a personality disorder..when part of me can be real and the other part is fake plastic...now there is no known cure for this,..except for looking at yourself in the mirror twice a day and saying..."you plastic fantastic person you, your wonderful"...no it wasn't that actually you have to say..." get real be real"... but i dont want to be cured ..or real....i like it this way...one dimentional is just sooo last year..i want more sides, like a bent hexagram...PLASTIC IS GOOD ..IT'S FLEXABLE..DURABLE ....(and wipe clean)....just had an after thought...what if I mis-heard her and she said I was BI-SPASTIC..shit!!!!!....

IF...

2006-10-20T21:52:00.000Z

IM A BLOODY GENIUS!!

2006-10-18T21:09:00.000Z

NOTHER ONE FOR THE VERY ANNOYING PEOPLE WHO ASK THE TIME....
I HAVE JUST INVENTED THIS SEASONS MUST HAVE FASHION ACCESSORY...THE TIMELESS WATCH..WITH THIS WATCH YOU DONT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT BEING LATE..OR IF YOU HAVE ENOUGH TIME BECAUSE IT DOESN'T TELL THE TIME!..ALSO IVE LEFT THE TICK IN FOR DRAMATIC EFFECT AND BECAUSE I'M A CRUEL BASTARD!......SO WHEN THOSE ANNOYNG PEOPLE WHO STOP YOU ON THE STREET AND ASK "SCUSE ME HAVE YOU GOT THE TIME"?...YOU CAN LOOK AT YOUR WATCH AND SAY.."NO"!....OF COURSE ILL HAVE TO HAVE IT MANUFACTURED IN TAIWAN...COST OF MAKING ..35PENCE..SELL FOR HMMM..A SNIP AT £235....MOVE OVER BILLY GATES....IF I HURRY MIGHT HAVE THEM IN THE SHOPS AND E-BAY IN TIME FOR CHRIMBO...GO ON YOU KNOW YOU WANT ONE.....