THE BIRTH OF NOIR

I hit a really low point in my life a few years back....to say times were hard is an understatement...i was homeless...i was evicted from the halfway house for sub letting my room...and everyone elses....well come on i was coining it in.....anyway there i was on the streets....cold.... hungry...no eyeliner....i know no eyeliner that was my rock bottom...i fell to my knees and cried....no one came.....i wandered in to the night ....scared....alone....(are your tears falling yet?)....i had to find shelter as it was snowing....i was freezing ...i mean a lurex catsuit and matching bag wont keep you warm....and those 6inch heels were a pain to walk in...i saw in the distance a light.....sanctuary thought i......as i came nearer ...i could just make out the words....pol-ice.....shit!...quick detour down a back alley....where i found some bubble wrap....now the question is do i make a warm comfy bed with it to save me from hypothermia or do i pop it......it took me 3 hours to decide...so in the end i popped it, the temptation was to hard to resist....(ive had therapy since at the botty ford sierra clinic)....i walked to the end of the alley and came to the back entrance of the abattoir...there were these really big metal containers...so i climbed in one and curled up, it kept the biteing wind off my back.....i woke up after a restful sleep.....feeling all warm and sort of cosy in this soft squishy comfy quilt like feeling...ummmm i could just go back to sleep....then as i opened my eyes slowly.....i started to wonder what this comfy stuff was.....oh my word!.....im lying in entrails....intestines...spleens....bladders....id been using a bag of sheeps balls as a pillow ffs!....i wanted to puke......i climbed out and headed for the nearest toilets to clean myself up...gosh those little arteries are a bugger to get out of your hair....i spent the day sitting in the doorway of kentucky fried chicken where i could inhale the aroma ....this cheeky sod came over and picked me up and tried to throw me in to the charity shop...thought i was a bag of old clothes....OLD CLOTHES???.....dont they know how exspensive and retro lurex is....so i made my way back to the doorway of kfc and gazed longingly at the people as they munched on their grub....hopefully someone would feel guilty enough to give me some...then this sweet old man came out to me.....here he said you look starving have this.....what a star i thought as i opened the wrapper ......er excuse me ...mr!...what the hell do you call this?.......its a chicken burger and some fries for you, .....BURGER!?.....im not eating burger i want the chicken fillet!.... the coleslaw and tango...no fries ...if you please you nonce......honestly the nerve of some people....another cold night looms.....ill go sleep in the graveyard ...the gravestones make great wind barriers...and its quiet.....i cried myself to sleep ...why oh why has everyone forsaken me...now i dont know if you know ...that when an angel is coming to see you they leave calling cards.... white feathers....big ones for grown up angels and little ones for baby angels......i woke up to find this black feather blowing across my face...i held it in my hand and wondered what it meant....had i lain on a dead bird?....i felt a shiver down my spine as i looked up and there he stood...in a halo of white light...the most gorgeous looking man i have ever seen....his eyes were of the deepest blue....his skin like the purest olive...he was carrying a package fed ex would find hard to handle....a black shadow came over me as he lifted his black wing and sheltered me under it.....gypsy he said in a soft voice....give yourself to me and i will turn your fortunes around....hmmm...let me just think about that for a milli-second.....take me ...mind body and soul.....spesh the body....so he did in several ways i never thought possible....afterwards as i gathered myself ,plucking feathers from awkward places...he said to me....you are now gypsy noir you will write a book entitled A HUMBLE GUIDE TO BEING BLOODY MARVELOUS....it will make you rich...successful... yes you willl even get a mention in the big issue..sign here.....and there you have it... tis how i came to be gypsy noir...bloody marvelous.....there was some small print in the contract about hell and damnation but who cares.......