THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING ALFIE

AS PART OF ALFIES PUNISHMENT FOR ABSCONDING TO THAILAND I HAVE DECIDED TO UNVAIL HIS SORDID PAST FROM WENCE HE CAME...As you can see in the pic above alfie and myself practicing the dance moves for last tango in paris....its one of alfies favourite films..You see alfie is a french duke....(originaly vikings)..he can speak in four different languages....he has a penchant for ludvig van beethoven....he was born in a parisian back street dominatrix boudoir owned by madame whiplash...he spent the first 3 month of his life there....what he seen would make george michael blush...one day an MP from my home town trashington was on an exchange visit to paris and accidently found himself at madame whiplash's boudoir... (yeah right)...after his session with the dominatrix he was putting his gimp mask/stockings and leather thong back in his bag ....somehow alfie curious as always climbed in to the bag and was subsequently brought over to northern england by mistake..in A HANDABAG!!...the MP in question was so busy explaining to his wife why he had all those whip marks on his bottom, he never noticed alfie climb out and made his way on to the streets.....ill never forget the night me and alfie first met....it was a beautiful night the rain was lashing down the wind was howling the thunder and lightning raged...perfect!.....i was just about to do a naked ritual dance outside when i heard a faint meeow coming from the garden..i opened the door and there he was the sweetest bedraggled little kitten....i gathered him in to my hands ,dried him with the hair dryer, straightend his fur with my nikki clarke hottest you can get straightning irons.... ...fed him the best john west pink salmon and tucked him in to bed with me.....he was home....next morning as i watched him wake up the strangest thing happend...he said" what ezz theez hell am in", ..in a sort of broken english voice..."BLOODY HELL!...you can talk"....i exclaimed......"well of course i can talk eez alaways been ziis way....i am after all a french duke"....thats when he told me about how he got here by mistake...."what other languages do you speak" i enquired......"oh i can speak fluent german...eenglesh....Scandinavian and of course feline...."....i was gobsmacked he could speak german my favourite language....so over the weeks and months for a by-the-hour fee alfie tought me some german....he can get very stroppy at times strutting about in his withnail coat proclaiming "im a pedigree for gods sake ,reduced to the status of an urban house cat!"...he is very popular with the lady cats round here.....he has them all working for him he's their sort of pimp....his sexuallity did come in to question when he started prancing round the back alleys wearing his paisley collar and black pvc beret....but getting all of the northern hemispheres female cats pregnant soon put a stop to those rumours....the social services are chasing him for child support money....ive also heard at the local feathers and hairs association that he is running some sort of asylum seeking scam for siamese cats and kittens....of course alfie denys all knowledge of this and has put the case in the hands of elric von rippenhoffe...(family solicitor)....to sue for slander ....i asked him how he knew he was a french duke and he told me he had been on one of those family tree websites to trace his ancestors and his great great great great even greater grandfather was scandinavian ...he went over to france raped and pillaged some french cats and took over their patch...to stop this the french king gave him some land and crowned him a french duke.....so started the dynasty....alfie been the only remaining one ...till now that is as he has so many sons to carry the family title now....we have mini dukes all over the place...but none as exquisite as mein alfie..